I can’t stay..

Grief is the only constant that has never left me disappointed.

And its sharp realism has been telling me: “there’s no reason for you to stay.”

Your mere presence is a repeated reminder of the pain that won’t go away.

And I, I can’t stay.

I see all the mistakes I have ever made, each time I look at your face.

And I, I can’t stay.

You are a living embodiment of my failures and all the bad decisions I could possibly make in this life.

Here I look at you and there my heart already knows that I, I can’t stay.

That partial side smile of yours punches me in the gut as I come to terms with the fact that it was all a facade.

Caught up in the web of your lies, I find it difficult to trust again, and I know that I, I can’t stay.

My whole world comes crashing down whenever I feel you around.

It’s a catastrophe from which I should ideally be running away, and as I write this down, I know that I can’t stay.

With you, I have met the worst side of me, and each day it threatens to kill the little compassion left inside me.

The candle is burning at both ends as the kindness is at stake, and therefore I, I just can’t stay.

Each time I see you around, I create an abuse or two in my own language, trying to find the right words to describe the real you.

The rot has grown deeper as the hurt could never let itself out in the public domain, and I know it’s time, I know I can’t stay.

My conscience keeps begging me to not lay the guns down in front of jealousy, but in the end, we both know who wins.

I will call it quits and wave the white flag instead, so that there’s no scope left for the jealousy to be back in the game ever again.

It’s time to look beyond what’s done and look forward to better things coming my way. For I know now that moving on essentially means that I can’t stay.

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Someday….

Someday, I will stop stealing your glances from behind your seat.

Someday, I will accept that I was just one of your many muses who, you conveniently ignored when you got bored, and I will let that fact seep.

Someday, I might forgive you for all the humiliation you made me go through during the perilous times when our careers were at stake and our honesty on trial.

Someday, I will get over the fact that you were a disaster wrapped in sunshine which only brought loss and misery after it unfolded.

Someday, I will stop feeling your hands entagled in mine while standing at the passage that leads to the restrooms in our office.

Someday, I will stop being afraid of going to all those places alone where I still see shadows of the two of us playing hide and seek with each other.

Someday, I will rise above this jealousy that engulfs me completely and leaves all the nerves inside my body fuming with hatred.

Someday, I will start seeing you for the real monster you are who has been disguising himself as the most gentle man alive.

Someday, I will convince myself that what we shared at one point of time was all a farce and that no relationship with you was ever worth the fight.

Someday, I will stop being restless at the sight of you walking hand in hand with the girl sitting in the last row.

Someday, karma will make you come to terms with the fact that you reap what you sow.

Someday, I will stop feeling cheated even as I get flashbacks from the night you had lost yourself into me.

Someday, I will learn to live with the fact that sometimes, certain things aren’t just meant to be…

The thing about moments..

I need to preserve it, this one gem of a moment when I felt alive as you held my hand one last time..

Are there enough words to describe how my soul got tarnished off the sins it had committed that eventually led to you drifting apart from me?

I guess not! There aren’t sufficient or even appropriate words to describe the multiplicity of emotions that gushed through each vein under my skin in that very moment..

Phases wherein the very virtuality of my dream made me live the moments which were once a part of my life’s only reality..

Moment when your right cheek brushed across my left as you bent down to pick up my phone that I subconsciously dropped as I saw you after so many years..

I guess not! there aren’t enough words to describe what I felt when your eyes caught mine looking at you, adoring you for all the good that you are..

Moment when I felt your touch as if the thirsty soul within me got submerged in the magic potions of love dripping off from every nook and corner of your skin..

The moment when you agreed as I insisted you to stand next to me for the group photograph that I wished was our selfie, I felt nothing but complete..

No, there aren’t enough words to describe its intensity for I kept on ignoring my chronic back ache just to live those moments – even though as part of my dreams during sleep.

Someday, all this will fade away

Someday, all this will fade away.

The anxiety that plays hide and seek with you at every odd hour of the day.

The bulimia nervosa which always coaxes you into thinking that cocoa and sugar combine is the best escape.

The soundless cries for help, that are more often than not, accompanied by the thoughts poisonous enough to intoxicate your entire existence.

The endless hours of tears falling from your eyes for no apparent reason at all.

The emotional outbursts that are mostly triggered by the fumes of jealousy engulfing your soul from within.

The never ending process of resurrection each time your soul dies a little.

The countless wakes you have held in your mind palace to commemorate all that is there to cherish in your otherwise empty life.

The constant struggle of trying to be good enough – not just for the world to acknowledge your presence, but for yourself.

Someday, there will be an end to this fight between your heart and mind.

And on that day, It won’t matter who won this tug of war because in this battle of hearts, the stakes have always been high.

Someday, everything will make sense – the smudged Kohl around your swollen eyes, the puffs of smoke filling up the air amid dimmed lights, tirelessly waiting for replies on those dark & long nights, all those clichés you despised and how they made you sigh!

Someday, you will stop wearing emotions at your sleeve and giving into your vulnerabilities.

Someday, your charred soul will start shedding the ashes of your dreams and only hope will reside on the periphery of your skin.

Someday, you will forgive yourself for squeezing your heart out of love.

Someday, your conscience will finally be at peace with itself for torturing your mind to an extent that you wanted to kiss death at last.

Someday, you will realize why they say “past is in the past”.

Someday, you will learn to let go of the hurt and embrace the pain as if it were the only thing that ever mattered.

When my life became a paradox in itself…

There are days when I feel like burying you alive and then there are some when you give me that side smile.

That one smile which makes me forget the kind of monster you are in real life.

That one smile which makes my heart grow fonder as it manages to hold onto the last shreds of hope.

Hope that you almost snatched away from me when you walked out on me.

There are days when the memories of our shared past make me smile and then there are some when your mere presence makes me wanna cry.

What kind of sorcery is this? I still don’t understand, no matter how hard I try.

Have you ever find yourself gasping for some fresh air when you are standing right in the middle of the garden full of dead plants? That is exactly the kind of restlessness I feel now whenever I see you around.

Do you remember you once told me that it cannot go on like this.

That we were just colleagues who could never be more than friends.

Perhaps the only thing I feel you have been right about, all along.

It cannot go on forever like this, sure.

I cannot let you dance at the grave of my emotions as my conscience weeps beside the coffin of my feelings.

I can’t let you conquer my thoughts as I choke on the remnants of all that I believed was there between us.

No, I can’t do this anymore.

Sitting there like a dumb spectator, watching you mock my entire existence is killing me every moment. If I let you win this time, I might never be at peace with myself.

Sexual harassment is an offence, sure. It’s time we do something about emotional exploitation too!

If only you could see through the veil of masquerade behind which I hide all the feelings that you don’t want to acknowledge..

The other day, our reporting manager asked me to attend the workshop on prevention of sexual harassment at workplace or else it will affect my TVP in the coming appraisal, he said.

As much as I wanted to hit him with my own set of questions, I just shrugged at his lack of awareness and secretly wished for the likes of him to declare themselves non-compete when it comes to the understanding of human psychology.

Everyone discusses sexual harassment but nobody ever talks about emotional harassment. Why is there no such mechanism to address the concerns of the ones who have been exploited on the emotional front? Why does it always have to be about our physical well being? Why is it that nobody ever cares enough to address the emotional needs of a person?

What if someone exploits you emotionally? Is there a machinery in place to get you out of the dungeons of uncertainty? What do you do when the fear of the unknown engulfs you completely and you lose all control over your senses? Is there any provision for the first aid that can heal the wounds that aren’t visible to anyone but you?

How do you give your 100% at work when all you can think of is a 1000 ways to get rid of your restless thoughts?

Can the damage of fucking up someone’s emotional state and leaving them vulnerable at every step along the way, ever be undone?

An ode to my mother

When the dark fumes of jealousy had blinded my vision, it was her who looked at me straight in the eye to remind me that I am just as human as everyone else and that someday, everything will be alright.

When moments were slipping from my memory and I was on the verge of losing opportunities, it was her who held the scattered pieces of my broken being together and gave me a new lease of life.

When my dreams were lost in the dungeons of time, It was her who held my hand and gave me the searchlight.

It was her, my mother, who embraced her imperfect child even as she reminded her that our flaws are what eventually make us wise.

It was her, my mother, who stood by me in every stride and never forgot to make me see the brighter side.