When I realized what True Love is…

You see what your mind games have done to me?

You see how your absence has left my mind to decay at its own peril.

Who would have imagined days like these?

Not me atleast.

When all the four other members of my family had encircled me to comfort me in all the ways they could.

When my younger sister clenched my hand so tight so that I at least stayed physically intact during all those mental breakdowns.

How my mother held me closer to her chest each time I fell from the rollercoaster of emotions.

How my father made sure that he was always there to listen to me even when I had literally nothing to say to him.

How my younger brother, who always looked up to me as an idol sister, was getting farther away from me each time I denied him my company for things he specifically wanted to do with me.

How all of my family members have forgotten to keep their interests above my well-being, given my frequent outbursts during each of my visit.

You want to know what keeps me sane during those days when my insane mind cries for help ?

It is those long-comforting conversations with my mom during those phone calls that I never really intend to receive in the first instance.

Still, she never gives up on me.

No matter how much I try to not acknowledge her existence.

She is a relentless caller and never ceases to make me feel her presence.

Her words just don’t heal my ailing mind, but they ring a bell in my heart.

Her selfless concern and consistency in endeavors is what makes me want to live – for her.

All these years I cried for a love I never had. I kept yearning for something I always thought was mine. I kept searching for true love in this disgraceful world and I never really looked inside.

And now when I see those two gems putting in their everything to save me from myself, I realize I was looking for love at all the wrong places in the world.

You want to know what true love is?

It’s what those two shower me with, without expecting anything in return.

It is my mother calling me every hour of the day without fail even though I snapped at her for doing the same thing the previous day.

You want to know how emotional connections work?

It is my father’s eyes filled with tears as he feels helpless seeing his daughter falling apart.

You want to know what is it, that despite all the grudges, beatings and foul exchange of words, is never lost?

It is my little sister’s companionship. It is her midnight text messages that come from nowhere to remind me that no matter what, there’s still one person on this Earth who will always be there for me.

You always told me I should love my parents the most. I should care for them like I would NEVER get a chance to do it for anybody else. That I should respect them as I would expect people to respect me. You were right all along but I never really paid heed to your words.

And, now I know I have wronged them at every step along the way.

Someday, when I will be sane, I will try to be a good person again.

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That night, when I felt a little less lonely…

If only I had a time machine, I would have stopped the clock that night.

That one night the memories of which still do not let me sleep.

That night the flashes of which still make me hallucinate during the day.

That one night which changed everything for us and everything between us.

That night when I found myself the happiest even though for those few moments.

That night when I could relive the feeling of being caressed.

That night when I couldn’t feel the difference between your breath and mine.

That night when you lifted me up in your arms even though for a little while.

That night when my heart literally felt as light as a feather that could easily fly.

That night when my mind once again dared to dream about touching the sky.

That night when your lips tasted sweeter than the nutella waffles I had ordered for the both of us.

That night when I could easily get past the breathlessness I felt each time your tongue went on exploration that made me blush.

That night when your resistance lost to mine in a challenge of sorts wherein the subtle moans somehow managed to find a way out of my mouth.

That night when those big, beautiful eyes of yours appeared more mysterious than the stars you always talked about.

That night when resting my head on your shoulders made me realize what is the most beautiful feeling in the world.

That night when the passion of our youth gave both of us an unforgettable adrenaline rush.

That night when my hand gestures made you sigh: “I will get carried away..”

That night when deep down inside, I was hoping for you to “stay that way”.

That night when I shared the darkest secrets of my life with you – the ones I always thought will go with me to my grave.

That night when doing those childish stuff with you, I felt what it is like to be a kiddo again.

That night when the warmth of love was the only thing floating beneath the white sheets we were wrapped in.

That night when I thought to myself: “There’s someone out there who is equally good at French-kissing.”

That night when you fell asleep with that calm look on your face.

That night when the only thing I hoped for was to not let that peace from your life ever go away.

That night when after so many years, I felt a little less lonely.

That night when I wished I had met you early.

That night which will always remind me of the girl I thought I could never be.

That night the moments from which will always be my most cherished memory.

I wish we could last..

I wish I could make things right between us. I wish I didn’t have to feel this restlessness, this void that your absence has created.

I wish you held my hands this one more time and apologise for punching me on the bicep.

I wish we could just get past this awkwardness at every step along the way.

I wish you still wink at me in the middle of the shift for no apparent reason at all.

I wish we could giggle over more nonsense stuffs during the short tea breaks.

I wish I still had that right to sneak you out every year on my birthday.

I wish I wore those finger rings more often whenever I dressed up for office so that you would notice my bare fingers that are only a metaphor of a love that never was.

I wish I knew earlier how much better the coffee from the A-wing tasted, so that all the time I couldn’t spend with you wouldn’t have been wasted.

I wish I had listened to you when you wanted me to not leave early for home, but stay with you at least till 7 in the morning. If only I had listened to you, I wouldn’t be thinking about it this moment.

I wish we ordered a lot more of chocolate and cheese so that the bitter memories of this ugly phase we are in won’t haunt me even when I am asleep.

I wish we had more time to bitch about the colleagues we don’t like in office. Atleast I wouldn’t have felt this betrayed today after realising that the differences between us have grown so much that we now need a mediator for communication with each other.

I wish I had adored you for all the good that you are, more often than I did, so that I didn’t have to steal your glances knowing that you don’t care one bit to even look at me while talking.

I wish I could kill this awkwardness between us like you killed my inhibitions each time I doubted myself.

I wish I had switched from gtalk way earlier than I did, so that now I won’t end up missing a heart beat each time I miss catching you online by a minute on WhatsApp.

How do I always miss you by a minute? Why do I always miss you by those 60 seconds? Does anyone know the value of that time? Sure as hell, no one can tell.

I know most of the things I say don’t make sense to you anyway, but what I still want you to know is that I lose a part of me each time you choose not to acknowledge my existence.

You told me you were in talking terms with not just me but many other girls. I don’t know whether you deliberately said those things or you just wanted me to hate you more but what I do know for sure is that right now – this moment is yours. As much as I want to, I could never really hate you despite all the hurt you caused.

I wish I could tell you what you meant to me, but by the time I felt the need of doing it, you were long gone.

I want you to know that my heart still skips it beats. Literally. Each time you pass that side smile on something stupid I had said.

I want you to know that I haven’t had food from outside for a long time now coz I don’t have that person by my side with whom I used to have arguments over choices. There’s no fun in having food plain and simple, you know.

I want you to know the actual reason behind my reluctance to place the order at CCD. No, it was never about not reaching the minimum order amount but your denial to place the order that led to the cancellation of plan.

How I wish you could see all of that.

I wish you could see how each action of yours affects my psyche and how each inaction of yours always comes with far reaching consequences for me.

I wish you could see the embarrassed look on my face when KV mentioned Apollo Hospitals in a clarification you had sought in that shift. I am sure the very term Apollo sure did remind you of something.

I want you to know that every time I try to calm the fuck down by taking the long drags of tobacco filled in a paper roll, all I end up with instead is the grey puffs of smoke that smell like a lot like you and everything else I could never have.

I wish we talked longer about our heavenly embrace that morning when you wanted to make sure that everything was alright between the two of us.

I wish I could keep us together for long so that I didn’t have to ask myself each day that where did I go so wrong?

I’m sorry, A****n.

For everything wrong I have ever done to us.

I miss us more and more with each passing day.

How I wish we could get past this ugly and awkward phase!

Dear ex-lover, I will never forgive you!

So here we are, again.

Standing at the same crossroads this one more time. I’m sure you know why after 3 years I messaged you last night.

Yes, it is March 24 today – the same date when you told me the biggest ever lie – I love you, 7 years ago.

It was then when the naive me fell for that trap. This is now, when the enlightened me is trying to pull herself out from the dungeons of time.

Just reiterating what I have already told you.

I will NEVER forgive you.

I will never forgive you for giving up on me when I needed you the most to stick around. Now, there’s nothing that I hate more than I hate I won’t give up by Jason Mraz.

I will never forgive you for pushing me into those dark places the memories of which still haunt me in my sleep.

I will never forgive you for reducing my existence to a living embodiment of tears and gloom.

I will never forgive you for uprooting my faith in the power of prayers.

I will never forgive you for seeding this disbelief in humanity into my head.

I will never forgive you for leaving me alone in this state of perpetual sadness.

I will never forgive you for saying one thing and doing completely opposite of it.

I will never forgive you for all the lies you told me about embracing my flaws.

I will never forgive you for making me go through all those days when I questioned my own existence.

I will never forgive you for all those nights when I wished I was dead.

I will never forgive you for all the moments I lost during those three precious years of my life.

I will never forgive you for seeding the belief: happiness is a myth, in my head.

I will never forgive you for making me constantly ask myself whether I really deserve happiness.

I will never forgive you for killing the child inside me and then making the demise of my youth look like a natural death.

I will never forgive you for all the hurt I caused to my parents and my siblings alike by not being able to live a normal life.

I will never forgive you for all those sleepless nights, for these swelled eyes, for those half-torn syringes of sedatives, for those broken pieces of glass bottles filled with medicines, for the smudged Kohl around my eyes, for all those helpless cries, for all those migraine attacks, for all those unopened gift packs.

I will never forgive you for making me disbelieve in the institution of marriage.

I will never forgive you for leaving this void in my heart, which despite all the love just doesn’t seem to fill.

I will never forgive you for all that you turned out to be.

I will never forgive you for pushing me so much into the darkness that for everyone around me, it has become their life’s greatest challenge to save me from myself.

I will never forgive you making my life a living hell.

Ask me, How

Oh that look on your face when you gave that half smile on something stupid that I had said.

Ask me, what would I not give to see that half smile of yours again?

Ask me, how many times I have died inside longing for that one calm look on your face during my presence?

Ask me how my eyelids beg to move from their set position each time these eyes see you dressed up in that sky blue pullover from Benetton..

Ask me how my heart rejoices each time you acknowledge my existence in this otherwise disgraceful world..

Ask me how I make sure that remnants of the turmoil inside me don’t reach the doorstep of your cold heart..

Ask me how each time I have to suppress the screams of my soul that cries for you to come home..

To my granny who has now joined the stars, I hope you shine the brightest…

In Life as in Death, you were a living embodiment of an undying faith and relentless prayers..

And once again, I realized today how fragile this human life is.

Till yesterday only, I wanted to take my own life. Little did I know the implications of it on the ones who would have been left behind.

As I feel every bit of the restlessness in this one moment and nothing at all in the very next moment, I know what it takes to exist.

Dying is not easy, but living a life without the ones you love the most is certainly the most difficult of all things.

I wish I had never said those things about you. I wish you were awake when I wished you ram ram the last time. I wish you could hear me greet you as I stood by your side even though for a few moments.

This memory, like every other, shall fade some day, but this pain of an irrecoverable loss will never go away.

I wish I could hear more of Hare Rama hare Krishna before the same Krishna took you away with him, to relieve you of all the pain and suffering this old age had cursed you with.

I’m sure you are in a better place now but what do I do with this selfish soul that is not ready to accept the fact that home will never be the same without you.

Now that you have joined the stars, I am sure your shining light will keep guiding our lives in each adversity and at every altar.

Thank you for being a part of our lives daadi maa.

To the man who will never know what he meant to me..

In love, you adore people;

In obsession, you kill them.

To the one who never gave up on me even when I had given up on myself…

They say, it doesn’t matter that for how long you have Known a person, but what matters is how well do you know them!

I could only imagine why people say that until you walked in..

That one person who has the knack of making me the happiest person alive on one hand and saddest on the other.

And why was it like that? I could not tell..

Until..

Talking to you made me cry for the sixth time..

It was right then that I knew I was losing control over myself.

Yes, you have been clear in your stand since day one that you just wanted us to be friends..

Yes, I have heard all your truths, while trying to feed your mind with all the lies that I had to tell..

But what choice did I have anyway?

You always knew that I was that one girl, who, if you asked her to remain just friends with you, would happily oblige you.

But what you certainly did not know was that you were that one person who was the reason for her uncountable tears – the only transition being the tears of happiness that soon turned into the ones dripping out of sheer longingness. You always wanted to know how I felt about you? Well, let me tell you.

You were that one drug I could never get enough of. That one dream I could only dream of dreaming.

To me, nothing really matters in this world, but somehow, you did..

You always wanted to make things right between us but how can you fix something that is not even broken?

You always wanted to know whether I am doing okay or how exactly was I feeling but did you really expect me to be honest with you despite you being aware of my vulnerabilities?

You tell me.

Should I have told you that the reason why I ignored you after you came back from the Himachal trip was because there was a turf of emotions inside of me which was not letting me be the way you expect me to be!!?

Mind you, I am using the phrase expect me to be, which exactly brings me to the same old point we both have been trying to establish in our own little ways.

You expect me to behave with you in a certain way (Read: A way that suits your gourmet) and you are always so adamant in your approach towards me that I sometimes question my own existence.

Is it a healthy thing? Well, I leave that to your prudence.

Honesty. Honesty. Honesty.

Yes, that one thing which worked like a magnet between us.

Until one fine day, when the same magnet switched sides, made us incredibly repel each other and finally brought our relationship closer to its Doomsday.

You were right when you said that I do not consider you my friend anymore. True in every sense. I don’t.

Coz I do not feel that restlessness when I am around with my other friends nor do I try to avoid them knowing that the more I will look at them, the more I will fall for them.

Oh well!! This, I guess, answers your question as to why did I avoid you after you returned from that trip.

You Know what? You should rather be blaming the once-in-a-lifetime kind of a soul you are, if not your short hair cut, your clean shave look and that black shirt you were wearing.

I have tried it once. I have tried it twice. I have given it my best shot every single time just to find myself immersing deep into the sea of self doubts and pity. And mind you, I genuinely do not like that feeling.

I don’t like it when my restless thoughts shamelessly put off all the covers and my fragile mind is left with no option but to surrender to them.

I don’t like it when my brain literally begs my sub-conscience to take it easy till the time it manages to pull my dying heart out of the quicksand of insecurities and uncertainty.

I don’t like it when my self-esteem goes on a round trip, leaving the little self-love that I have, to decay at its own peril.

Of late, I have realized why people say that unrequited love is the greatest form of self-destruction.

Coz unfortunately, I too have done things that I am not very proud of.

And ever since then, all I have been doing is to try and save myself from just that..

But little did I know that my inner conflict would cost me our friendship so soon.

May be I changed but what pains me more is the fact that I can’t say that at least you are still the same.

May be we were like those shooting stars that burned too bright, leaving a trail of sparkling nothingness..

May be, I can never go back to being the person you expect me to be but if there’s one thing that you need to know, it is that I won’t do anything that will cost you your existing relationships.

If only, I had it in me to make you believe that all I have ever wanted and hoped for is you to be happy!

If only, I had a wish to make, I would have wished to meet you early.