Today, I realized what it takes to just exist…

Today, when I stepped into his shoes, I understood how it feels to be into someone so much despite knowing that they will never be able to reciprocate even the fraction of your affection towards them.

Today, as I am immersed into the sea of unfathomable emotions, I know why people talk and write so much about the trail of pain that comes as a side effect of unrequited love.

Today, as this restlessness engulfs my
conscious bit by bit, I realise what all it takes to just exist.

Today, as I feel everything at all and nothing at once, I remember why sensitive people are termed as fools and why the cold hearted ones always get to say the last word.

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This birthday, I will gift myself nothing but happiness..

Dear me,

I know you are about to reach the end stage of existential crisis, but..

This too shall pass away, they say. And it all makes so much more sense when you start believing it.

Dear me,

I know you have some real trust issues, but you will have to:

Believe.

That is the first step to accomplish what you want to and reach where you want to.

Believe that happiness will find your way someday.

Have faith that the experiences of the thousand hurting souls weren’t just meant to go down the drain.

Know that resilience is making you resistant to emotional shockers.

Nothing lasts, not even the pain that you right now feel will never go away.

Dear incorrigible me,

Change is the only thing constant, they say. Tell yourself just that, each day.

Adapt to it. Embrace it. For you have already wasted enough time cursing and questioning yourself.

It has never been easier for you and it’s okay. There is always a first time for each and everything. Just take that leap of faith.

You were not meant to remain caged in your past life.

Dear me,

Move on.

You can’t afford to kill your youth by waiting for something that is lost into Oblivion.

Difficult times are only there to test the threshold of your own predefined limits.

And you know that no one but you can only break your record of emboldened patience.

Sit down with yourself and then come to terms with the fact that what’s done is done. Now just free your mind off all the false hopes and save yourself from becoming a Utopian.

For you are just as human. Sweetly bid farewell to the thoughts that drag your conscience down each time you enter the talespin of your past.

Pamper your mind and convince it till the time it accepts the fact that everything will be okay. One day. Some day.

Feed your starving soul with nothing but happiness, for it deserves every bit of its long due credit.

Yes, your birthday is here but this time, there are no surprises in store for you..

Resharing this for the sake of the only thing I got today:

This cake that I cut (on your behalf) at the cusp of dawn.

Even though I did not get any response back after the birthday message that I sent you at 12 in the night, I am still a naive to believe that greater things happen under the first rays of the sun. Perhaps the only reason I chose the cusp of dawn.

I’m not sure whether the sweetness of this cake will supersede the bitterness you carry for me in your heart, but if at all this matters, then here I am once again, wishing you a very happy birthday, love.

https://kritidhingra.wordpress.com/2017/08/26/yes-your-birthday-is-around-the-corner-but-this-time-there-are-no-surprises-in-store-for-you/

There couldn’t be a better day to Thank you for making me the person I am today..

Yes I might have matured faster than people my age, yes I might have developed restraint in greater proportions compared to the people my age but there is no looking back from this day.

Mumma,

You have been telling me to follow my heart all through this time, but now that the time has come I can’t do it anymore, for the simple enough reason that my heart doesn’t know what it wants.

I have no second thoughts about the fact that he was the match that would fit in the job description of your daughter’s handler, perfectly well.

But then can you race against the time and win the odds of beating it in its own witch-hunt? I have serious doubts about it coz humans having those kind of superpowers yet is still a sham.

You often ask me why do I respond to you the way I do.

Today, I am gonna tell you why.

Coz I am done faking out a smile every single time while the truth is that in reality, all I am doing is counting the little that I have left to pay as the cost of each breath that I take.

I am done convincing myself that my battered heart would heal some day coz the truth is that it won’t. But my stubborn soul is just not ready yet to accept this fact.

I am done escaping into a long sleep every single time my brain starts working more than it should. Coz in reality, all this has only reduced me to a living entity with no bits of life left in it.

Mom, there is a reason why I am the way I am and if it takes my rudeness or even my damned ignorance to save people (who still do care about me) from what really goes on inside my mind, then I am ready to take that plunge too.

You know why? Coz the last three years of my life have taught me that there isn’t a greater form of self destruction than living at the mercy of a vulnerable mind.

And of late, I have been busy doing just that.

Mom,

I was hoping if you could take some time out to join me in wishing a very happy birthday to the one coz of whom, I am the way I am today.

After all, he deserves every bit of the credit I could never bestow him with.

Thereby, dear love,

It is your day today and I am not here to tell you how long I have waited for this day to come and similar other things that would mean nothing to you.

All I am here to do is to thank you for making me the person I am today.

Thereby, wishing you a very happy birthday!

All I hope is for you to realize someday, that post catharsis, nothing remains the same and that people (including me) do change.

Also, telling you that I miss you a lot will only be an understatement.

So, I would rather leave it to your good judgement.

Be the best man you always were!

Yours,

Long forgotten love.

Yes, your birthday is around the corner but this time, there are no surprises in store for you..

This is the first time in the last six years that I am not doing anything even though your birthday (1st of September) is just around the corner.

This time there are no surprises in store for you and no excitement within my battered heart. I wonder why can’t I indulge myself now in all the things that once fetched me an unmatched bliss!!?

Has time taken a toll on my conscience or is it your constant wish of keeping me away from you that has lasted in my desires to keep you surprised getting killed in between!!?

I don’t seem to understand well.

Do you never ever get this urge of pulling your lost love out from the dungeons of time, slapping them tight and then reminding them that they are the most prized possession of your life?

All the gifts, all the greetings, the half-written letters and the postcards, they are all a testimony to the affection that still dwells beneath the scars of Love..

Yet, they never reached you, that one person they were meant for.

Stop pushing me towards indifference. Will you? I already don’t seem to feel much anymore, except for how subtly you let go of the love that was my entire universe and how swiftly you erased the beautiful memories that we had earned together.

Sometimes I do hate you for not letting me out of this spell that you had cast on the immature child inside me.

Not to mention the umpteen number of times when I have hated myself for missing you so deeply.

I have stopped asking about you and your well being. Well, at least that is what I like to feed my unconscious mind with.

I had always secretly believed or so did I try to convince myself into believing that you hear it.. somehow.. each time my desperate heart calls out your name.. that somehow.. you feel it.. each time the cold breeze of my longingness sweeps through your face..

I would have said that atleast hear me out for the sake of good lord but I am not trading my insecurities in this barter deal which I know would yield nothing but loss.

With the little life that is left in me, I seek nothing but peace.

Peace with the past, that still doesn’t let me sleep.

Heart wants what it wants…

See what you have done to me? It’s 6 in the morning and I am terrified with the very thought of leaving my workaholic-self vulnerable to the most obnoxious child inside me.

This time around, after having tortured my mind for almost two months now, I have finally decided not to run away from my problems. Basically, I am trying not to run away from you, but you see the heart wants what it wants.

Your birthday is around the corner and I should be more happy than worried, I know. But how do you convince a soul starving for some love to miss the only chance of filling itself with light in the entire year?

How do you tell a foresaken heart that has been reeling under a long winter to only go as much close to the fire. Because the same fire which provides it the warmth will likely leave it with burns if attended to in the absence of conscience.

But you see, the heart wants what it wants.

Gathering all its crooked pieces, it is now marching for a war.

Probably one of those times again when I can’t seem to gain control over my mind and soul that have been engaged in an infighting, waiting for you to come home for a long long time now!

Mistaken love that was..

Only if you could see through things, only if you could listen beyond words would you have realized that nothing has changed till date, be it the shadows of the past or the mistaken love that was.

She still glows up with the thought of you and she still sleeps with the photographs of you two tucked close to her heart.

Each night to date, you still cast your spell on her – the kind of spell that has left her mind paralyzed to think beyond the possibilities of your unison with her.

Love always had a cascading effect, she knew but never on Earth would she have imagined that pain would join the clan too.

There ought to be reasons after all or why would they find it as a story of an unsung praise and unrequited love?