1 December 2019
As I sit here amid the usual hustle of an Indian railway station, typing this in half-tipsy, half-sober state, I am convinced that life is nothing but a string of moments woven in an erratic fashion.
Tipsy because I haven’t slept for three days straight besides gulping down three glasses of the forbidden liquid last night. Sober because the mad rush of people running in the middle of nowhere, trying to reach somewhere in their lives, is a reason enough for me to feel that way.
November 2019 has been such hell of a ride that if I post those feel-good statuses with a wishful thinking – “December, please be nice”, it will only take away from the thrill of the roller coaster I have been on of late.
I knew this day would come. I could feel it all along – this sinking feeling of friendhips in transition that often leaves people on an emotional high.
The other day I was trying to reason with this feeling during my discussion with an estranged lover, and some 15 days later, I still can’t say I am in a better place.
In fact, there is within me, a deep-rooted contentment and a seemingly ever-growing restlessness at the same time.
There is within me, an enraging storm of emotions and a vacuum of numbness that I am trying to fill with all that I have – these words that have been more faithful to me than any lover could.
Straddling between calm and chaos, I realized that it’s all a part of growing up. But acceptance? It takes its own sweet time! And in my case, it can go up to days, months and years, to be precise.
I figured that changing friendhips are directly proportional to the life phase we are in. And the wedding of someone you hold dear, in fact, has a direct bearing on the bond you share with that person.
Just like those elongated discussions about the dark side of life replaced the leg-pulling and the name calling as we crossed our teens, this phase too, shall bring something new to replace the archaic – as a reminder that at the end of the day, we are evolving.
That acceptance has never been my strong pursuit is something I need to deal with on my own. People do get married. Friendships do change over the period of time. The sooner I accept, the better it will be for my peace of mind.
“Change is the only thing constant”, I reassured myself before a deep sigh.
At last, the day I was partly excited, partly sad about was here. It came. It went by. We danced. We rejoiced. Perhaps this one day will go down in history, wherein I shed more tears than the bride. The day wherein I felt a much deeper connect and a strange sense of divide at the same time.
Some hand-holding. Some forced smiles. An impromptu reunion. And melancholic good-byes.
Our lives are never going to be the same again. And as I try to let all this seep in, the train honks behind me – it’s time for me to leave for another journey.
From this point on, I shall take with me the memories of happy moments to hold onto when I won’t be at my best in the times to come.
And I will keep moving on in life, feeling every emotion there is to feel, even if I am not able to accept right now that everything happens for a reason.