In love, you adore people;
In obsession, you kill them.
To the one who never gave up on me even when I had given up on myself…
They say, it doesn’t matter that for how long you have Known a person, but what matters is how well do you know them!
I could only imagine why people say that until you walked in..
That one person who has the knack of making me the happiest person alive on one hand and saddest on the other.
And why was it like that? I could not tell..
Talking to you made me cry for the sixth time..
It was right then that I knew I was losing control over myself.
Yes, you have been clear in your stand since day one that you just wanted us to be friends..
Yes, I have heard all your truths, while trying to feed your mind with all the lies that I had to tell..
But what choice did I have anyway?
You always knew that I was that one girl, who, if you asked her to remain just friends with you, would happily oblige you.
But what you certainly did not know was that you were that one person who was the reason for her uncountable tears – the only transition being the tears of happiness that soon turned into the ones dripping out of sheer longingness. You always wanted to know how I felt about you? Well, let me tell you.
You were that one drug I could never get enough of. That one dream I could only dream of dreaming.
To me, nothing really matters in this world, but somehow, you did..
You always wanted to make things right between us but how can you fix something that is not even broken?
You always wanted to know whether I am doing okay or how exactly was I feeling but did you really expect me to be honest with you despite you being aware of my vulnerabilities?
You tell me.
Should I have told you that the reason why I ignored you after you came back from the Himachal trip was because there was a turf of emotions inside of me which was not letting me be the way you expect me to be!!?
Mind you, I am using the phrase expect me to be, which exactly brings me to the same old point we both have been trying to establish in our own little ways.
You expect me to behave with you in a certain way (Read: A way that suits your gourmet) and you are always so adamant in your approach towards me that I sometimes question my own existence.
Is it a healthy thing? Well, I leave that to your prudence.
Honesty. Honesty. Honesty.
Yes, that one thing which worked like a magnet between us.
Until one fine day, when the same magnet switched sides, made us incredibly repel each other and finally brought our relationship closer to its Doomsday.
You were right when you said that I do not consider you my friend anymore. True in every sense. I don’t.
Coz I do not feel that restlessness when I am around with my other friends nor do I try to avoid them knowing that the more I will look at them, the more I will fall for them.
Oh well!! This, I guess, answers your question as to why did I avoid you after you returned from that trip.
You Know what? You should rather be blaming the once-in-a-lifetime kind of a soul you are, if not your short hair cut, your clean shave look and that black shirt you were wearing.
I have tried it once. I have tried it twice. I have given it my best shot every single time just to find myself immersing deep into the sea of self doubts and pity. And mind you, I genuinely do not like that feeling.
I don’t like it when my restless thoughts shamelessly put off all the covers and my fragile mind is left with no option but to surrender to them.
I don’t like it when my brain literally begs my sub-conscience to take it easy till the time it manages to pull my dying heart out of the quicksand of insecurities and uncertainty.
I don’t like it when my self-esteem goes on a round trip, leaving the little self-love that I have, to decay at its own peril.
Of late, I have realized why people say that unrequited love is the greatest form of self-destruction.
Coz unfortunately, I too have done things that I am not very proud of.
And ever since then, all I have been doing is to try and save myself from just that..
But little did I know that my inner conflict would cost me our friendship so soon.
May be I changed but what pains me more is the fact that I can’t say that at least you are still the same.
May be we were like those shooting stars that burned too bright, leaving a trail of sparkling nothingness..
May be, I can never go back to being the person you expect me to be but if there’s one thing that you need to know, it is that I won’t do anything that will cost you your existing relationships.
If only, I had it in me to make you believe that all I have ever wanted and hoped for is you to be happy!
If only, I had a wish to make, I would have wished to meet you early.