You see what your mind games have done to me?
You see how your absence has left my mind to decay at its own peril.
Who would have imagined days like these?
Not me atleast.
When all the four other members of my family had encircled me to comfort me in all the ways they could.
When my younger sister clenched my hand so tight so that I at least stayed physically intact during all those mental breakdowns.
How my mother held me closer to her chest each time I fell from the rollercoaster of emotions.
How my father made sure that he was always there to listen to me even when I had literally nothing to say to him.
How my younger brother, who always looked up to me as an idol sister, was getting farther away from me each time I denied him my company for things he specifically wanted to do with me.
How all of my family members have forgotten to keep their interests above my well-being, given my frequent outbursts during each of my visit.
You want to know what keeps me sane during those days when my insane mind cries for help ?
It is those long-comforting conversations with my mom during those phone calls that I never really intend to receive in the first instance.
Still, she never gives up on me.
No matter how much I try to not acknowledge her existence.
She is a relentless caller and never ceases to make me feel her presence.
Her words just don’t heal my ailing mind, but they ring a bell in my heart.
Her selfless concern and consistency in endeavors is what makes me want to live – for her.
All these years I cried for a love I never had. I kept yearning for something I always thought was mine. I kept searching for true love in this disgraceful world and I never really looked inside.
And now when I see those two gems putting in their everything to save me from myself, I realize I was looking for love at all the wrong places in the world.
You want to know what true love is?
It’s what those two shower me with, without expecting anything in return.
It is my mother calling me every hour of the day without fail even though I snapped at her for doing the same thing the previous day.
You want to know how emotional connections work?
It is my father’s eyes filled with tears as he feels helpless seeing his daughter falling apart.
You want to know what is it, that despite all the grudges, beatings and foul exchange of words, is never lost?
It is my little sister’s companionship. It is her midnight text messages that come from nowhere to remind me that no matter what, there’s still one person on this Earth who will always be there for me.
You always told me I should love my parents the most. I should care for them like I would NEVER get a chance to do it for anybody else. That I should respect them as I would expect people to respect me. You were right all along but I never really paid heed to your words.
And, now I know I have wronged them at every step along the way.
Someday, when I will be sane, I will try to be a good person again.