Just as I was trying to be okay with the fact that you stabbed me in the back, I saw you spooning the new girl who will soon be another victim of your viciousness.
I was still trying to live with the fact that I was but, a muse to you. That you never really felt what you portrayed. That I was just a friend, with whom you wanted “no strings attached”.
I was still trying to let the bitter fact seep in until one fine day, I saw you inside her collar, trying to sniffle the scent of the perfume she was wearing. It was then that I knew you never deserved the benefit of doubt I kept granting you.
It was then that I had to let go of the last shreds of compassion for you that I had been secretly holding onto.
It was then that I discovered the dark side of vulnerability and realized that our feelings were never in solidarity.
Watching you smile at her antics, as you told her what was supposed to be “our little secret”, I knew that trust is but a treacherous illusion, and there’s no other force bigger on the planet Earth than a man filled with lust.
Day after day, I saw you doing the same things you used to do with me, and eventually I reached a point where I could no longer tell the difference between friends and enemies.
For the lack of emotional strength and the constant urge of not feeling cheated, I started masquerading my way through, and I was doing just fine until one day you two conspired to break the news of her scheduled transfer to our team.
There, you said it. Here, I lost it. That was it. I could never bring myself to look at her the same way again. I have hated her every moment ever since. After all, she now speaks in your language – with the same sense of pride, and in innuendos thrown in the same coveted style. No wonder you found an escape in her desperation. Congratulations, you two are indeed made for each other.
Cut to five months back in time.
Sitting inside that room, right next to you, I almost choked under the weight of all the bad decisions I had made when I was with you.
And yet you sat there like a dumb spectator who had no idea about the impending doom.
The one who had nothing to do with the woman whom he used to talk to day and night. The same woman who was her closest confidanté at one point in time.
And while I was choking under the weight of my own mistakes, I realized that selfless people have the biggest cost to pay.
I faced humiliation for caring too much. May be that famous NYC blogger was right, I shouldn’t have given a fuck!
But I did, anyway. And now, it was too late. The damage was already done. Endless phonecalls were now just on records. Free text messages always showed the same status. Three sets of antidepressants sneaked their way into my daily routine. My so-called friends on WordPress were happy that I was back. And then there was my family giving me lectures on self-help.
Darkness enveloped my thoughts so tight that I couldn’t see that my integrity was getting compromised.
It was time.
Time for some sunshine.
You see, it was all still fine, until you (not her) entered my life.