What happened to that guy?

What happened to the boy who held my hand and caressed it 24 hours after he hit me in the arm just for fun?

What happened to the guy who promised me that he will make everything alright for me no matter what!

What happened to the guy who always used to call me at every odd hour in the night to share his darkest secrets and deepest fears?

What happened to that guy who made me laugh each time I was crying because of my forsaken past?

Where has he disappeared?

I have been looking for this guy ever since he broke my heart and crushed it into a million pieces and yet never felt sorry one bit.

So, if you ever happen to find that guy, tell him that I said Hi!

Tell him that I will be waiting for him on the other side of the aisle, so that he too will know someday what it is like to die while you are still alive.

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I wish we could last..

I wish I could make things right between us. I wish I didn’t have to feel this restlessness, this void that your absence has created.

I wish you held my hands this one more time and apologise for punching me on the bicep.

I wish we could just get past this awkwardness at every step along the way.

I wish you could still wink at me in the middle of the shift for no apparent reason at all.

I wish we could giggle over more nonsense stuffs during the short tea breaks.

I wish I still had that right to sneak you out every year on my birthday.

I wish I wore those finger rings more often whenever I dressed up for office so that you would notice my bare fingers that are only a metaphor of a love that never was.

I wish I knew earlier how much better the coffee from the A-wing tasted, so that all the time I couldn’t spend with you wouldn’t have been wasted.

I wish I had listened to you when you wanted me to not leave early for home, but stay with you at least till 7 in the morning. If only I had listened to you, I wouldn’t be thinking about it this moment.

I wish we ordered a lot more of chocolate and cheese so that the bitter memories of this ugly phase we are in won’t haunt me even when I am asleep.

I wish we had more time to bitch about the colleagues we don’t like at office. Atleast I wouldn’t have felt this betrayed today after realising that the differences between us have grown so much that we now need a mediator for communication with each other.

I wish I had adored you for all the good that you are, more often than I did, so that I didn’t have to steal your glances knowing that you don’t care one bit to even look at me while talking.

I wish I could kill this awkwardness between us like you killed my inhibitions each time I doubted myself.

I wish I had switched from gtalk way earlier than I did, so that I wouldn’t end up missing a heart beat each time I see you online.

Why do I always miss you by a minute on WhatsApp? Why do I always miss you by those 60 seconds there? Does anyone know the value of that time? Sure as hell, no one can tell.

I know most of the things I say don’t make sense to you anyway, but what I still want you to know is that I lose a part of me each time you choose not to acknowledge my existence.

You told me you were in talking terms with not just me but many other girls. I don’t know whether you deliberately said those things or you just wanted me to hate you more but what I do know for sure is that right now – this moment is yours. As much as I want to, I could never really hate you despite all the hurt you caused.

I wish I could tell you what you meant to me, but by the time I felt the need of doing it, you were long gone.

I want you to know that my heart still skips it beats. Literally. Each time you pass that side smile on something stupid I said or did.

I want you to know that I haven’t had food from outside for a long time now coz I don’t have that person by my side with whom I used to have arguments over choices. There’s no fun in having a meal plain and simple, you know.

I want you to know the actual reason behind my reluctance to place the order at CCD. No, it was never about not reaching the minimum order amount but your denial to place the order that led to the cancellation.

How I wish you could see all of that.

I wish you could see how each action of yours affects my psyche and how each inaction of yours always comes with far reaching consequences for me.

I wish you could see the embarrassed look on my face when KV mentioned Apollo Hospitals in a clarification you had sought in that shift. I am sure the very term Apollo sure did remind you of something.

I want you to know that every time I try to calm the fuck down by taking the long drags of tobacco filled in a paper roll, all I end up with instead is the grey puffs of smoke that smell a lot like you and everything else I could never have.

I wish we talked longer about our heavenly embrace that night when you wanted to make sure that everything was alright between the two of us the next morning.

I wish I could keep us together for long so that I didn’t have to ask myself each day that where did I go so wrong?

I’m sorry, A****n.

For everything wrong I have ever done to us.

I miss us more and more with each passing day.

How I wish we could get past this ugly and awkward phase!

Dear ex-lover, I will never forgive you!

So here we are, again.

Standing at the same crossroads this one more time. I’m sure you know why after 3 years I messaged you last night.

Yes, it is March 24 today – the same date when you told me the biggest ever lie – I love you, 7 years ago.

It was then when the naive me fell for that trap. This is now, when the enlightened me is trying to pull herself out from the dungeons of time.

Just reiterating what I have already told you.

I will NEVER forgive you.

I will never forgive you for giving up on me when I needed you the most to stick around. Now, there’s nothing that I hate more than I hate I won’t give up by Jason Mraz.

I will never forgive you for pushing me into those dark places the memories of which still haunt me in my sleep.

I will never forgive you for reducing my existence to a living embodiment of tears and gloom.

I will never forgive you for uprooting my faith in the power of prayers.

I will never forgive you for seeding this disbelief in humanity into my head.

I will never forgive you for leaving me alone in this state of perpetual sadness.

I will never forgive you for saying one thing and doing completely opposite of it.

I will never forgive you for all the lies you told me about embracing my flaws.

I will never forgive you for making me go through all those days when I questioned my own existence.

I will never forgive you for all those nights when I wished I was dead.

I will never forgive you for all the moments I lost during those three precious years of my life.

I will never forgive you for seeding the belief: happiness is a myth, in my head.

I will never forgive you for making me constantly ask myself whether I really deserve happiness.

I will never forgive you for killing the child inside me and then making the demise of my youth look like a natural death.

I will never forgive you for all the hurt I caused to my parents and my siblings alike by not being able to live a normal life.

I will never forgive you for all those sleepless nights, for these swelled eyes, for those half-torn syringes of sedatives, for those broken pieces of glass bottles filled with medicines, for the smudged Kohl around my eyes, for all those helpless cries, for all those migraine attacks, for all those unopened gift packs.

I will never forgive you for making me disbelieve in the institution of marriage.

I will never forgive you for leaving this void in my heart, which despite all the love just doesn’t seem to fill.

I will never forgive you for all that you turned out to be.

I will never forgive you for pushing me so much into the darkness that for everyone around me, it has become their life’s greatest challenge to save me from myself.

I will never forgive you making my life a living hell.

This birthday, I will gift myself nothing but happiness..

Dear me,

I know you are about to reach the end stage of existential crisis, but..

This too shall pass away, they say. And it all makes so much more sense when you start believing it.

Dear me,

I know you have some real trust issues, but you will have to:

Believe.

That is the first step to accomplish what you want to and reach where you want to.

Believe that happiness will find your way someday.

Have faith that the experiences of the thousand hurting souls weren’t just meant to go down the drain.

Know that resilience is making you resistant to emotional shockers.

Nothing lasts, not even the pain that you right now feel will never go away.

Dear incorrigible me,

Change is the only thing constant, they say. Tell yourself just that, each day.

Adapt to it. Embrace it. For you have already wasted enough time cursing and questioning yourself.

It has never been easier for you and it’s okay. There is always a first time for each and everything. Just take that leap of faith.

You were not meant to remain caged in your past life.

Dear me,

Move on.

You can’t afford to kill your youth by waiting for something that is lost into Oblivion.

Difficult times are only there to test the threshold of your own predefined limits.

And you know that no one but you can only break your record of emboldened patience.

Sit down with yourself and then come to terms with the fact that what’s done is done. Now just free your mind off all the false hopes and save yourself from becoming a Utopian.

For you are just as human. Sweetly bid farewell to the thoughts that drag your conscience down each time you enter the talespin of your past.

Pamper your mind and convince it till the time it accepts the fact that everything will be okay. One day. Some day.

Feed your starving soul with nothing but happiness, for it deserves every bit of its long due credit.

There couldn’t be a better day to Thank you for making me the person I am today..

Yes I might have matured faster than people my age, yes I might have developed restraint in greater proportions compared to the people my age but there is no looking back from this day.

Mumma,

You have been telling me to follow my heart all through this time, but now that the time has come I can’t do it anymore, for the simple enough reason that my heart doesn’t know what it wants.

I have no second thoughts about the fact that he was the match that would fit in the job description of your daughter’s handler, perfectly well.

But then can you race against the time and win the odds of beating it in its own witch-hunt? I have serious doubts about it coz humans having those kind of superpowers yet is still a sham.

You often ask me why do I respond to you the way I do.

Today, I am gonna tell you why.

Coz I am done faking out a smile every single time while the truth is that in reality, all I am doing is counting the little that I have left to pay as the cost of each breath that I take.

I am done convincing myself that my battered heart would heal some day coz the truth is that it won’t. But my stubborn soul is just not ready yet to accept this fact.

I am done escaping into a long sleep every single time my brain starts working more than it should. Coz in reality, all this has only reduced me to a living entity with no bits of life left in it.

Mom, there is a reason why I am the way I am and if it takes my rudeness or even my damned ignorance to save people (who still do care about me) from what really goes on inside my mind, then I am ready to take that plunge too.

You know why? Coz the last three years of my life have taught me that there isn’t a greater form of self destruction than living at the mercy of a vulnerable mind.

And of late, I have been busy doing just that.

Mom,

I was hoping if you could take some time out to join me in wishing a very happy birthday to the one coz of whom, I am the way I am today.

After all, he deserves every bit of the credit I could never bestow him with.

Thereby, dear love,

It is your day today and I am not here to tell you how long I have waited for this day to come and similar other things that would mean nothing to you.

All I am here to do is to thank you for making me the person I am today.

Thereby, wishing you a very happy birthday!

All I hope is for you to realize someday, that post catharsis, nothing remains the same and that people (including me) do change.

Also, telling you that I miss you a lot will only be an understatement.

So, I would rather leave it to your good judgement.

Be the best man you always were!

Yours,

Long forgotten love.

Heart wants what it wants…

See what you have done to me? It’s 6 in the morning and I am terrified with the very thought of leaving my workaholic-self vulnerable to the most obnoxious child inside me.

This time around, after having tortured my mind for almost two months now, I have finally decided not to run away from my problems. Basically, I am trying not to run away from you, but you see the heart wants what it wants.

Your birthday is around the corner and I should be more happy than worried, I know. But how do you convince a soul starving for some love to miss the only chance of filling itself with light in the entire year?

How do you tell a foresaken heart that has been reeling under a long winter to only go as much close to the fire. Because the same fire which provides it the warmth will likely leave it with burns if attended to in the absence of conscience.

But you see, the heart wants what it wants.

Gathering all its crooked pieces, it is now marching for a war.

Probably one of those times again when I can’t seem to gain control over my mind and soul that have been engaged in an infighting, waiting for you to come home for a long long time now!

Dear age…

Whenever I find myself trapped in the maze of unconquered thoughts I ask myself this one question, why did I grow up?
Why can’t I go back to the days when the only problems perhaps were the grace marks?

This age is a trap that has barred the child in me from breathing in fresh gasp of air.. This child stuck in the mould of old can’t seem to understand the challenges thrown by this modern affair..

Dear age,

I liked you more when you were three for that reminded me of that one word I could use to describe myself – carefree.

Dear age,

I started admiring you when you were seven for that reminded me of my first ever academic achievement as a student.

Dear age,

I started despising you when you were 13 for the puberty that accompanied you back then brought in me the changes which were so confusing.

Dear age, 

I could feel a thousand things in a given moment as you turned 16 for that friend you brought along with you at 13 was getting quiet comfortable within my being. 

Dear age, 

You left me fascinated and in awe when you were 18 for that was the time you made me realize how it feels like to fly without wings.

Dear age,

You left me amazed at 20 for I could clearly see the transition of a girl from being an introvert to a social animal.

Dear age,

I finally started to understand your big game when you were 22 for I realized that flying without wings was as fictitious as the sky kissing the ground on the horizon. The inevitable pain that was left as a residue after I lost my most prized possession found a new home inside my fragile heart.

I learnt that the ones who fly without wings are actually the ones who hit the ground fastest and the hardest. 

Each time I thought of you at 22, I was reminded why people say that one should always Stick to the ‘ground reality.’

Dear age,

Days, months and years passed by since I decided to settle scores with you by defeating you in your own big game. 

Alas! This time you brought along this friend of yours called Death.

I finally understood that all this while.. in all those years of my life, you were always accompanied by this one little friend of yours who was the most special and yet was always undermined.. 

If only I could embrace that friend of yours called Time, would I have been able to add some more meaning to this life.. 

Dear age,

Nevermind. 

Until next time!