Sexual harassment is an offence, sure. It’s time we do something about emotional exploitation too!

If only you could see through the veil of masquerade behind which I hide all the feelings that you don’t want to acknowledge..

The other day, our reporting manager asked me to attend the workshop on prevention of sexual harassment at workplace or else it will affect my TVP in the coming appraisal, he said.

As much as I wanted to hit him with my own set of questions, I just shrugged at his lack of awareness and secretly wished for the likes of him to declare themselves non-compete when it comes to the understanding of human psychology.

Everyone discusses sexual harassment but nobody ever talks about emotional harassment. Why is there no such mechanism to address the concerns of the ones who have been exploited on the emotional front? Why does it always have to be about our physical well being? Why is it that nobody ever cares enough to address the emotional needs of a person?

What if someone exploits you emotionally? Is there a machinery in place to get you out of the dungeons of uncertainty? What do you do when the fear of the unknown engulfs you completely and you lose all control over your senses? Is there any provision for the first aid that can heal the wounds that aren’t visible to anyone but you?

How do you give your 100% at work when all you can think of is a 1000 ways to get rid of your restless thoughts?

Can the damage of fucking up someone’s emotional state and leaving them vulnerable at every step along the way, ever be undone?

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An ode to my mother

When the dark fumes of jealousy had blinded my vision, it was her who looked at me straight in the eye to remind me that I am just as human as everyone else and that someday, everything will be alright.

When moments were slipping from my memory and I was on the verge of losing opportunities, it was her who held the scattered pieces of my broken being together and gave me a new lease of life.

When my dreams were lost in the dungeons of time, It was her who held my hand and gave me the searchlight.

It was her, my mother, who embraced her imperfect child even as she reminded her that our flaws are what eventually make us wise.

It was her, my mother, who stood by me in every stride and never forgot to make me see the brighter side.

What happened to that guy?

What happened to the boy who held my hand and caressed it 24 hours after he hit me in the arm just for fun?

What happened to the guy who promised me that he will make everything alright for me no matter what!

What happened to the guy who always used to call me at every odd hour in the night to share his darkest secrets and deepest fears?

What happened to that guy who made me laugh each time I was crying because of my forsaken past?

Where has he disappeared?

I have been looking for this guy ever since he broke my heart and crushed it into a million pieces and yet never felt sorry one bit.

So, if you ever happen to find that guy, tell him that I said Hi!

Tell him that I will be waiting for him on the other side of the aisle, so that he too will know someday what it is like to die while you are still alive.

It was EVERYTHING then. It is NOTHING now. And, I wonder….

I wonder if you will ever know about the forgotten copy of your visiting card adorning the pocket inside my cellphone cover!

I wonder if you will ever see the disappointment behind the cups of brewed coffee still lying unattended inside the refrigerator.

I wonder if you will ever go on a roundabout trip of the feelings you always failed to acknowledge thinking those were never meant to last.

I wonder if you will ever think about the repercussions of your actions and the consequences of your inactions for people who who actually did open their heart(s).

I wonder if you will ever find enough time to think in retrospect that you might have wronged someone so bad that the person in question literally chose to give up on her life instead.

I wonder if you would ever want to go back in the past and learn lessons from it to make the desired corrections for a better future.

I wonder if you will ever regret pushing away someone who loved you with all she had.

It’s funny yet astonishing how we relate our feelings with objects of importance and how we choose to describe our emotions through metaphors.

How each time I see you wearing that silver bangle makes me wonder how you would look in that rugged wrist watch I dared to gift you on your birthday.

How each phone conversation of ours still rings a bell in my ears.

How each time someone mentions hills and mountains, I still think of you and how that very thought leaves my heart in despair.

How I still imagine you doing things as per your routine each time you work in the night shifts,

And, how each one of those nights reminds me of the smile that now seems to be missing from my lips.

How I still check my phone at 5:45 in the morning, secretly hoping for you to give me a wake up call,

And how each one of those moments – when I choose to be in denial of reality – makes it a matter of life and death for me to move on!

The not-so-good food at the American Diner, our little tryst at the India Habitat Center and our shared willingness to stay in denial of our feelings..

As much as my expressions made it obvious for you that I didn’t like the food at the American Diner, I wish you could see deeper through things, back then.

If only you could feel the goosebumps I got when you gave me that warm massage on the neck. I wish you could feel the restlessness that grew inside me with your fingers so flawlessly gliding on my skin.

I wish you could hear my heart pounding like it would never get a chance to beat again EVER in this life – each time you leaned towards me – to land a kiss or two on my cheeks.

I wish you could smell the aroma of youth inside me bursting at seams each time you made me realize why I am so much inclined towards sapiosexuality.

I wish you could taste the happiness I felt each time your presence made me a little less afraid and a little more confident.

I wish I had a Pandora box in which, may be, I could save all those precious moments.

I wish I could just keep you with me, despite all that has happened.

When I realized what True Love is…

You see what your mind games have done to me?

You see how your absence has left my mind to decay at its own peril.

Who would have imagined days like these?

Not me atleast.

When all the four other members of my family had encircled me to comfort me in all the ways they could.

When my younger sister clenched my hand so tight so that I at least stayed physically intact during all those mental breakdowns.

How my mother held me closer to her chest each time I fell from the rollercoaster of emotions.

How my father made sure that he was always there to listen to me even when I had literally nothing to say to him.

How my younger brother, who always looked up to me as an idol sister, was getting farther away from me each time I denied him my company for things he specifically wanted to do with me.

How all of my family members have forgotten to keep their interests above my well-being, given my frequent outbursts during each of my visit.

You want to know what keeps me sane during those days when my insane mind cries for help ?

It is those long-comforting conversations with my mom during those phone calls that I never really intend to receive in the first instance.

Still, she never gives up on me.

No matter how much I try to not acknowledge her existence.

She is a relentless caller and never ceases to make me feel her presence.

Her words just don’t heal my ailing mind, but they ring a bell in my heart.

Her selfless concern and consistency in endeavors is what makes me want to live – for her.

All these years I cried for a love I never had. I kept yearning for something I always thought was mine. I kept searching for true love in this disgraceful world and I never really looked inside.

And now when I see those two gems putting in their everything to save me from myself, I realize I was looking for love at all the wrong places in the world.

You want to know what true love is?

It’s what those two shower me with, without expecting anything in return.

It is my mother calling me every hour of the day without fail even though I snapped at her for doing the same thing the previous day.

You want to know how emotional connections work?

It is my father’s eyes filled with tears as he feels helpless seeing his daughter falling apart.

You want to know what is it, that despite all the grudges, beatings and foul exchange of words, is never lost?

It is my little sister’s companionship. It is her midnight text messages that come from nowhere to remind me that no matter what, there’s still one person on this Earth who will always be there for me.

You always told me I should love my parents the most. I should care for them like I would NEVER get a chance to do it for anybody else. That I should respect them as I would expect people to respect me. You were right all along but I never really paid heed to your words.

And, now I know I have wronged them at every step along the way.

Someday, when I will be sane, I will try to be a good person again.

I wish we could last..

I wish I could make things right between us. I wish I didn’t have to feel this restlessness, this void that your absence has created.

I wish you held my hands this one more time and apologise for punching me on the bicep.

I wish we could just get past this awkwardness at every step along the way.

I wish you could still wink at me in the middle of the shift for no apparent reason at all.

I wish we could giggle over more nonsense stuffs during the short tea breaks.

I wish I still had that right to sneak you out every year on my birthday.

I wish I wore those finger rings more often whenever I dressed up for office so that you would notice my bare fingers that are only a metaphor of a love that never was.

I wish I knew earlier how much better the coffee from the A-wing tasted, so that all the time I couldn’t spend with you wouldn’t have been wasted.

I wish I had listened to you when you wanted me to not leave early for home, but stay with you at least till 7 in the morning. If only I had listened to you, I wouldn’t be thinking about it this moment.

I wish we ordered a lot more of chocolate and cheese so that the bitter memories of this ugly phase we are in won’t haunt me even when I am asleep.

I wish we had more time to bitch about the colleagues we don’t like at office. Atleast I wouldn’t have felt this betrayed today after realising that the differences between us have grown so much that we now need a mediator for communication with each other.

I wish I had adored you for all the good that you are, more often than I did, so that I didn’t have to steal your glances knowing that you don’t care one bit to even look at me while talking.

I wish I could kill this awkwardness between us like you killed my inhibitions each time I doubted myself.

I wish I had switched from gtalk way earlier than I did, so that I wouldn’t end up missing a heart beat each time I see you online.

Why do I always miss you by a minute on WhatsApp? Why do I always miss you by those 60 seconds there? Does anyone know the value of that time? Sure as hell, no one can tell.

I know most of the things I say don’t make sense to you anyway, but what I still want you to know is that I lose a part of me each time you choose not to acknowledge my existence.

You told me you were in talking terms with not just me but many other girls. I don’t know whether you deliberately said those things or you just wanted me to hate you more but what I do know for sure is that right now – this moment is yours. As much as I want to, I could never really hate you despite all the hurt you caused.

I wish I could tell you what you meant to me, but by the time I felt the need of doing it, you were long gone.

I want you to know that my heart still skips it beats. Literally. Each time you pass that side smile on something stupid I said or did.

I want you to know that I haven’t had food from outside for a long time now coz I don’t have that person by my side with whom I used to have arguments over choices. There’s no fun in having a meal plain and simple, you know.

I want you to know the actual reason behind my reluctance to place the order at CCD. No, it was never about not reaching the minimum order amount but your denial to place the order that led to the cancellation.

How I wish you could see all of that.

I wish you could see how each action of yours affects my psyche and how each inaction of yours always comes with far reaching consequences for me.

I wish you could see the embarrassed look on my face when KV mentioned Apollo Hospitals in a clarification you had sought in that shift. I am sure the very term Apollo sure did remind you of something.

I want you to know that every time I try to calm the fuck down by taking the long drags of tobacco filled in a paper roll, all I end up with instead is the grey puffs of smoke that smell a lot like you and everything else I could never have.

I wish we talked longer about our heavenly embrace that night when you wanted to make sure that everything was alright between the two of us the next morning.

I wish I could keep us together for long so that I didn’t have to ask myself each day that where did I go so wrong?

I’m sorry, A****n.

For everything wrong I have ever done to us.

I miss us more and more with each passing day.

How I wish we could get past this ugly and awkward phase!