An ode to my mother

When the dark fumes of jealousy had blinded my vision, it was her who looked at me straight in the eye to remind me that I am just as human as everyone else and that someday, everything will be alright.

When moments were slipping from my memory and I was on the verge of losing opportunities, it was her who held the scattered pieces of my broken being together and gave me a new lease of life.

When my dreams were lost in the dungeons of time, It was her who held my hand and gave me the searchlight.

It was her, my mother, who embraced her imperfect child even as she reminded her that our flaws are what eventually make us wise.

It was her, my mother, who stood by me in every stride and never forgot to make me see the brighter side.

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What happened to that guy?

What happened to the boy who held my hand and caressed it 24 hours after he hit me in the arm just for fun?

What happened to the guy who promised me that he will make everything alright for me no matter what!

What happened to the guy who always used to call me at every odd hour in the night to share his darkest secrets and deepest fears?

What happened to that guy who made me laugh each time I was crying because of my forsaken past?

Where has he disappeared?

I have been looking for this guy ever since he broke my heart and crushed it into a million pieces and yet never felt sorry one bit.

So, if you ever happen to find that guy, tell him that I said Hi!

Tell him that I will be waiting for him on the other side of the aisle, so that he too will know someday what it is like to die while you are still alive.

It was EVERYTHING then. It is NOTHING now. And, I wonder….

I wonder if you will ever know about the forgotten copy of your visiting card adorning the pocket inside my cellphone cover!

I wonder if you will ever see the disappointment behind the cups of brewed coffee still lying unattended inside the refrigerator.

I wonder if you will ever go on a roundabout trip of the feelings you always failed to acknowledge thinking those were never meant to last.

I wonder if you will ever think about the repercussions of your actions and the consequences of your inactions for people who who actually did open their heart(s).

I wonder if you will ever find enough time to think in retrospect that you might have wronged someone so bad that the person in question literally chose to give up on her life instead.

I wonder if you would ever want to go back in the past and learn lessons from it to make the desired corrections for a better future.

I wonder if you will ever regret pushing away someone who loved you with all she had.

It’s funny yet astonishing how we relate our feelings with objects of importance and how we choose to describe our emotions through metaphors.

How each time I see you wearing that silver bangle makes me wonder how you would look in that rugged wrist watch I dared to gift you on your birthday.

How each phone conversation of ours still rings a bell in my ears.

How each time someone mentions hills and mountains, I still think of you and how that very thought leaves my heart in despair.

How I still imagine you doing things as per your routine each time you work in the night shifts,

And, how each one of those nights reminds me of the smile that now seems to be missing from my lips.

How I still check my phone at 5:45 in the morning, secretly hoping for you to give me a wake up call,

And how each one of those moments – when I choose to be in denial of reality – makes it a matter of life and death for me to move on!

When I realized what True Love is…

You see what your mind games have done to me?

You see how your absence has left my mind to decay at its own peril.

Who would have imagined days like these?

Not me atleast.

When all the four other members of my family had encircled me to comfort me in all the ways they could.

When my younger sister clenched my hand so tight so that I at least stayed physically intact during all those mental breakdowns.

How my mother held me closer to her chest each time I fell from the rollercoaster of emotions.

How my father made sure that he was always there to listen to me even when I had literally nothing to say to him.

How my younger brother, who always looked up to me as an idol sister, was getting farther away from me each time I denied him my company for things he specifically wanted to do with me.

How all of my family members have forgotten to keep their interests above my well-being, given my frequent outbursts during each of my visit.

You want to know what keeps me sane during those days when my insane mind cries for help ?

It is those long-comforting conversations with my mom during those phone calls that I never really intend to receive in the first instance.

Still, she never gives up on me.

No matter how much I try to not acknowledge her existence.

She is a relentless caller and never ceases to make me feel her presence.

Her words just don’t heal my ailing mind, but they ring a bell in my heart.

Her selfless concern and consistency in endeavors is what makes me want to live – for her.

All these years I cried for a love I never had. I kept yearning for something I always thought was mine. I kept searching for true love in this disgraceful world and I never really looked inside.

And now when I see those two gems putting in their everything to save me from myself, I realize I was looking for love at all the wrong places in the world.

You want to know what true love is?

It’s what those two shower me with, without expecting anything in return.

It is my mother calling me every hour of the day without fail even though I snapped at her for doing the same thing the previous day.

You want to know how emotional connections work?

It is my father’s eyes filled with tears as he feels helpless seeing his daughter falling apart.

You want to know what is it, that despite all the grudges, beatings and foul exchange of words, is never lost?

It is my little sister’s companionship. It is her midnight text messages that come from nowhere to remind me that no matter what, there’s still one person on this Earth who will always be there for me.

You always told me I should love my parents the most. I should care for them like I would NEVER get a chance to do it for anybody else. That I should respect them as I would expect people to respect me. You were right all along but I never really paid heed to your words.

And, now I know I have wronged them at every step along the way.

Someday, when I will be sane, I will try to be a good person again.

I want to be your mirror…

There’s so much that I want to say but the words just won’t come out the right way..

I want to slap you so hard that you throw away this blanket of ego that you have been covering yourself in for so many months now..

I want to scream out so loud that the pain in my screeching voice tears through your deaf ears and you hear all that I could never tell you..

I want to open my heart out for once and bare it all so that you can see all the love that is there for you, all the love that I am no longer able to hide inside of me, all the love that is now overflowing to an extent that it might soon contain my very existence..

I let you loose just like you wanted me to, but this one time I want to hold you so close so that you feel the restlessness in each breath that I take, so that you will know what it takes for some people to just exist and not mean anything to the one who means the world to them..

I want to hit you so bad so that you wake up from the slumber of ignorance that you choose to be in. Why is it so difficult for you to acknowledge my presence?

I want to be your mirror so that each time you look at yourself through the prism of my lens, you will see that you are a charming person with an amazing soul and yet you aren’t perfect.

May be then you will realize that the least you could do was to embrace my flaws and accept me for who I am. So that unlike me, each time you go to sleep, you don’t have to ask yourself the same set of questions: “What did I do to deserve this ignorance? Why on Earth has he become so indifferent?”

For once, I want to be the air that you breathe, so that when you start to choke in my absence – that one thing you always wished for – you will realize that certain things aren’t visible but are still that necessary.

I want to open your nose wide so that you can smell the burning of my soul from across the sea of my charred dreams.

May be then you will know how and why your absence has left me to ruin at the peril of this existential crisis.

This birthday, I will gift myself nothing but happiness..

Dear me,

I know you are about to reach the end stage of existential crisis, but..

This too shall pass away, they say. And it all makes so much more sense when you start believing it.

Dear me,

I know you have some real trust issues, but you will have to:

Believe.

That is the first step to accomplish what you want to and reach where you want to.

Believe that happiness will find your way someday.

Have faith that the experiences of the thousand hurting souls weren’t just meant to go down the drain.

Know that resilience is making you resistant to emotional shockers.

Nothing lasts, not even the pain that you right now feel will never go away.

Dear incorrigible me,

Change is the only thing constant, they say. Tell yourself just that, each day.

Adapt to it. Embrace it. For you have already wasted enough time cursing and questioning yourself.

It has never been easier for you and it’s okay. There is always a first time for each and everything. Just take that leap of faith.

You were not meant to remain caged in your past life.

Dear me,

Move on.

You can’t afford to kill your youth by waiting for something that is lost into Oblivion.

Difficult times are only there to test the threshold of your own predefined limits.

And you know that no one but you can only break your record of emboldened patience.

Sit down with yourself and then come to terms with the fact that what’s done is done. Now just free your mind off all the false hopes and save yourself from becoming a Utopian.

For you are just as human. Sweetly bid farewell to the thoughts that drag your conscience down each time you enter the talespin of your past.

Pamper your mind and convince it till the time it accepts the fact that everything will be okay. One day. Some day.

Feed your starving soul with nothing but happiness, for it deserves every bit of its long due credit.

Yes, your birthday is around the corner but this time, there are no surprises in store for you..

This is the first time in the last six years that I am not doing anything even though your birthday (1st of September) is just around the corner.

This time there are no surprises in store for you and no excitement within my battered heart. I wonder why can’t I indulge myself now in all the things that once fetched me an unmatched bliss!!?

Has time taken a toll on my conscience or is it your constant wish of keeping me away from you that has lasted in my desires to keep you surprised getting killed in between!!?

I don’t seem to understand well.

Do you never ever get this urge of pulling your lost love out from the dungeons of time, slapping them tight and then reminding them that they are the most prized possession of your life?

All the gifts, all the greetings, the half-written letters and the postcards, they are all a testimony to the affection that still dwells beneath the scars of Love..

Yet, they never reached you, that one person they were meant for.

Stop pushing me towards indifference. Will you? I already don’t seem to feel much anymore, except for how subtly you let go of the love that was my entire universe and how swiftly you erased the beautiful memories that we had earned together.

Sometimes I do hate you for not letting me out of this spell that you had cast on the immature child inside me.

Not to mention the umpteen number of times when I have hated myself for missing you so deeply.

I have stopped asking about you and your well being. Well, at least that is what I like to feed my unconscious mind with.

I had always secretly believed or so did I try to convince myself into believing that you hear it.. somehow.. each time my desperate heart calls out your name.. that somehow.. you feel it.. each time the cold breeze of my longingness sweeps through your face..

I would have said that atleast hear me out for the sake of good lord but I am not trading my insecurities in this barter deal which I know would yield nothing but loss.

With the little life that is left in me, I seek nothing but peace.

Peace with the past, that still doesn’t let me sleep.