And it’s a wrap…

Sitting here in such a large hall, typing this out at the cusp of dawn, I have come to realize that change is the only thing constant in the world.

It was about yesterday only when I was checking the restaurants that offered midnight delivery to my workplace.

“My workplace” – I can say it now, but I know it won’t be the same 4 days henceforth.

There is only so much you can do about the decisions you make in life.

For the difficult choices you make for yourself during perilous times are often the ones that give you life-altering moments.

I look around this perfectly lit place and sigh.

Unlike all my previous night shifts, there is an unusual calm today, and this sinking feel in my heart just won’t go away.

I tell myself: “It’s perfectly normal. It’s okay. Everyone leaves their first job at some point, on some day.”

So what if there won’t be late night pizzas and choco lavas to relish much while bitching about the people I don’t like?

There is a whole new bunch of experiences awaiting me as I am about to enter into a new phase of life.

But before that, let me be on the roller coaster of emotions, and feel all that my heart wants to.

Let me be anxious, let me be nostalgic, let me be afraid of the unknown, but most of all, let me be full of hope.

One last night.

One last time.

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They ask me what love is, and I sigh..

They ask me what love is, and I am left with a blank face, and a hollow heart, the deep-rooted emptiness which echoes through my thoughts everytime.

Love? I sigh.

It is the lifetime of wait.

For that one person to return, who, you know, will never look back again.

Love is strengthening.

It is gathering all your broken pieces again, fixing them to create something so beautiful that your vulnerable heart grows fonder in awe.

Love is enduring.

It is facing the same person who has broken you, day after day, till the time you become indifferent to the hurt his mere presence causes to your being.

Love is forgiving.

The person who brought you more pain than happiness – just to make peace.

Love is letting go.

Of all the hurtful memories even when your insides are screaming not to.

Love is being kind.

Even when your ego is tearing apart the humility inside you, each time.

Love is pure.

It not only dips your heart into affection, but submerges your soul.

This month, last year..

September 10, 2017:

K: Did you ask him for the morning shift?

A: Yes, I did and he said okay.

And, we have finally progressed to WhatsApp. (*Claps)

K: It’s ME, not WE.

September 11, 2017:

A: Feel hungry

K: you can always treat yourself.

A: I am saving up for your treat. It better be grand now.

Kriti, Have you even decided the venue yet? Tell me, where are we going for your birthday?

K: I checked some places online, listed few options. Help me choose on Saturday?

A: wait a second. You are in shift tomorrow, right?

K: yes, I am.

A: we can go downstairs when I come; and talk. The roster will be out too by then.

September 12, 2017:

A: I will go, cook something for myself.

K: you skipped dinner? You could have ordered na…

A: you weren’t there. Eh!

K: does that even make sense now? So you won’t order if I am not there?

A: No.

It’s too much work. And then you don’t know whether to offer some to people sitting next to you or just eat selfishly.

You are my order girl.

K: That’s not a very appropriate term, I would say.

A: That’s what you will be on your birthday.

September 13, 2017:

A: Thanks (For the Chocopies).

It was a very nice gesture.

K: 😊

A: You do so much for me. Now I have even more reasons to look forward to on your birthday.

September 14, 2017:

A: So, which places?

K: Let’s just forget that I shortlisted any. Essentially coz it’s not a short list to choose from. (Shares screenshots of the bookmarked places on Zomato)

A: Wow! You made it so easy for me. Just 36423 places to choose from.

Let’s go to Handi pure vegetarian. Ghaziabad.

K: I told you some of these bookmarks are ages old but no. You don’t listen to me.

A: can’t I use an opportunity to crack a joke?

September 15, 2017:

A: Mote (fatty), what’s up?

What did you do on your day off?

It was so congested in the front row today that we all had to squeeze in to make way for one another.

By the way, did you decide anything then? Are you calling everyone from work then? Do you think they all would be able to make it at the same time?

Oh! And did I mention that….

(**Kriti interrupts him and punches him with a sarcasm so tight that he is now tighlipped.**)

A: I am warning you. The more you mess with me, the more beers you will have to treat me with on your birthday.

One more punch (of sarcasm) and I am adding more beer(s) to the total bill you will have to pay.

September 16, 2017:

A: Well, of all these places I think we can go to Nehru place. There’s LOTD and Social there. I hate Hauz Khas – too many people there.

And by the way, I will pay my share. It’s not a treat.

K: Cool! You can go alone in that case.

Treat yourself. Pay for it. Come back. Text me to tell me how was it.

A: *Note to self – Don’t piss off Kriti*

September 17, 2017:

A: Calling everyone?

K: I believe, technically, it will be just the two of us.

A: And i thought it would be better if two people discuss many many things rather than 6 people discussing how fucked up our jobs are and trying to overcome the social awkwardness

K: Duly noted. And btw, I know why you said that it will be so boring with all the people from the workplace showing up on my birthday. Ofcourse, I know what you were suggesting.

A: That was quiet bitchy of me though. Wasn’t it? 😛

K: Things we do to get what we want.

September 18, 2017:

A: What happened? Tell me quickly.

K: You must be tired. You should sleep.

A: I will keep asking till you feel better or till I feel miserable.

K: I have a lot to learn from you.

A: I am suddenly feeling sleepy.

K: Me too.

A: I was in half mood to eat one of those Chocopies you gave me, but decided not to.

K: I can’t stuff it in your mouth now. :/

A: Wouldnt that be so great? If only you were here.. I would make you put some chocopies in my mouth and then sing me to sleep.

K: Woah! That escalated quickly. Aren’t you the biggest wannabe alive?

A: Aren’t we all?

September 19, 2017:

A: Tomorrow is the day.

Happy Birthday in advance (just in case I doze off early).

K: (Disappointed at the early wish, and unsure of the life-changing moments tomorrow (20th September) was supposed to bring, she says “ok, bye.”

A: What’s wrong?

K: (Sighs) Nothing.

4 years and counting…

Yes, this is another clichéd yet mandatory post that I have to write on the eve of your birthday – not only to wish you the best in life, but to remind myself that despite your absence, I am still alive.

First things first.

1. It’s been four years since the space between us grew so much that we couldn’t recognize each other from a distance. And yet each time that I close my eyes, I see you holding my hand.

2. All the letters I wrote to you are still lying unattended just like those feelings that creep up every now and then, demanding the closure between us.

3. I pause, and look back from where I started. Gathering all the broken pieces of my being, trying to fix each one of them, one day at a time.

Sigh. I have definitely gained a lot of insights. Like how forevers just sound perfect in all the romantic novels and those clichéd conversations and how the concept of everlasting relationships only exists in the world of writers.

4. I’m certainly on the verge of reaching the ‘Pinnacle of Success’ in my career but it still feels hollow inside, and only my heart knows why.

5. I still use earplugs and cotton buds whenever people bitch about me or talk behind my back, but the cotton roll you gifted me right before you left me is still packed as it is. I’m afraid it won’t be sufficient to contain all the voices of hurt and frustration that your absence filled my heart with.

6. This year, I didn’t buy you any birthday present. And it is not because the memory of you is slowly fading away, but because I am running out of space to store all the gifts and cards I have been saving for you in all these years. I waited for you every year, and you never showed up.

7. Ever since you walked out on me, I used to secretly wish that something or the other happen(s) to me so that I cease(d) to exist.

But today, when the doctor diagnosed me with tuberculosis, I realized how fragile this human life is, and it occurred to me that may be, what we shared with each other was just a lie. A lie that seemed so real at one point in time that I premised my entire existence on it.

But then one day, you walked away, decided never to look back again. And that was it.

The show was over. The curtain was lifted. The only thing no one noticed was that the protagonist in this story fell really hard from the roller coaster of emotions, and hit her head so bad that the casualty was her individuality, and the cost that she had to pay was her sanity.

8. Every year I write to you, not because I secretly keep hoping that my words will reach you, but because I know that deep down inside, somewhere in the marooned corner of your mind, you wish to read it too!

9. We fell apart from each other and yet we are growing together. I know that my insecurities will never serve any purpose just as you know by now that I have never loved anyone just as much.

10. Four years have gone by and yet my heart is still stuck on that boy who was waiting outside my college on a cold night of January 2011. Waving at me from across the road with a dimple on his cheek and a Harry Porter-like smile on his lips. And the next thing I knew was that the fireworks inside my heart glittered more than the ones exploding in the night sky.

Seven years hence, a part of me still wants to believe in the depth of his feelings and the righteous streak inside him, and I know that no matter how hard I try, I can never hate him.

As each year passes by, it makes so much more sense as to why it all happened, and I, I just can’t seem to stop loving him.

To the one who, knowingly and unknowingly, taught me so many lessons.

To the one who changed my entire perspective towards life…

Happy birthday, (my) starlight. I hope you shine the brightest.

No matter where we go & what we do in our lives, I know our love will still rise

…. And a part of me still lives in the wishful thinking that may be, just may be this was all a lie.

That somehow, in all these years, you have been preparing to give me my life’s biggest surprise.

A part of me is still not ready to let to of all those things you once confided in Akshay. That no matter where we go and what we do in our lives, our love will still rise.

A part of me which still believes that somewhere down the road, another “Reverie” moment is awaiting the both of us.

That someday, you will show me the door to our happy moments just like you showed me that wallet I gifted you on your birthday. The same wallet you had been saving for 9 months much while pretending that you never received it in the first place.

But then that was you. Could I blame you for segeregating the good memories from the bad when the very relationship you earned those memories from was at stake and your very individuality was the cost that you had to pay for it? I couldn’t.

Deep inside my heart, I always knew you did the right thing. You kept our individual existences above our relationship. I couldn’t understand it then. And I can’t say that I completely understand it now, but I can at least reason with your decision.

It’s funny how we keep looking for answers all around us, but never within ourselves.

Yes, it is one of those moments when the very thoughts of you are tearing again into my brain and this worm of memories is getting the better of me.

It is almost dawn now and all my demons are rushing back inside, hiding from those rays of light that they fear, will blind their vision.

Moments have passed by and there is no sunrise yet. And as I heard the rain drops falling on the window sill, it became clearer to me why darkness is always associated with grief.

The demons are rejoicing.

The night weeps.

I sigh.

“Rain always comes with melancholy.”

I wasn’t ready for you to leave, but the way you left will always stay.

Just as I was trying to be okay with the fact that you stabbed me in the back, I saw you spooning the new girl who will soon be another victim of your viciousness.

I was still trying to live with the fact that I was but, a muse to you. That you never really felt what you portrayed. That I was just a friend, with whom you wanted “no strings attached”.

I was still trying to let the bitter fact seep in until one fine day, I saw you inside her collar, trying to sniffle the scent of the perfume she was wearing. It was then that I knew you never deserved the benefit of doubt I kept granting you.

It was then that I had to let go of the last shreds of compassion for you that I had been secretly holding onto.

It was then that I discovered the dark side of vulnerability and realized that our feelings were never in solidarity.

Watching you smile at her antics, as you told her what was supposed to be “our little secret”, I knew that trust is but a treacherous illusion, and there’s no other force bigger on the planet Earth than a man filled with lust.

Day after day, I saw you doing the same things you used to do with me, and eventually I reached a point where I could no longer tell the difference between friends and enemies.

For the lack of emotional strength and the constant urge of not feeling cheated, I started masquerading my way through, and I was doing just fine until one day you two conspired to break the news of her scheduled transfer to our team.

There, you said it. Here, I lost it. That was it. I could never bring myself to look at her the same way again. I have hated her every moment ever since. After all, she now speaks in your language – with the same sense of pride, and in innuendos thrown in the same coveted style. No wonder you found an escape in her desperation. Congratulations, you two are indeed made for each other.

Cut to five months back in time.

Sitting inside that room, right next to you, I almost choked under the weight of all the bad decisions I had made when I was with you.

And yet you sat there like a dumb spectator who had no idea about the impending doom.

The one who had nothing to do with the woman whom he used to talk to day and night. The same woman who was her closest confidanté at one point in time.

And while I was choking under the weight of my own mistakes, I realized that selfless people have the biggest cost to pay.

I faced humiliation for caring too much. May be that famous NYC blogger was right, I shouldn’t have given a fuck!

But I did, anyway. And now, it was too late. The damage was already done. Endless phonecalls were now just on records. Free text messages always showed the same status. Three sets of antidepressants sneaked their way into my daily routine. My so-called friends on WordPress were happy that I was back. And then there was my family giving me lectures on self-help.

Darkness enveloped my thoughts so tight that I couldn’t see that my integrity was getting compromised.

It was time.

Time for some sunshine.

You see, it was all still fine, until you (not her) entered my life.

I can’t stay..

Grief is the only constant that has never left me disappointed.

And its sharp realism has been telling me: “there’s no reason for you to stay.”

Your mere presence is a repeated reminder of the pain that won’t go away.

And I, I can’t stay.

I see all the mistakes I have ever made, each time I look at your face.

And I, I can’t stay.

You are a living embodiment of my failures and all the bad decisions I could possibly make in this life.

Here I look at you and there my heart already knows that I, I can’t stay.

That partial side smile of yours punches me in the gut as I come to terms with the fact that it was all a facade.

Caught up in the web of your lies, I find it difficult to trust again, and I know that I, I can’t stay.

My whole world comes crashing down whenever I feel you around.

It’s a catastrophe from which I should ideally be running away, and as I write this down, I know that I can’t stay.

With you, I have met the worst side of me, and each day it threatens to kill the little compassion left inside me.

The candle is burning at both ends as the kindness is at stake, and therefore I, I just can’t stay.

Each time I see you around, I create an abuse or two in my own language, trying to find the right words to describe the real you.

The rot has grown deeper as the hurt could never let itself out in the public domain, and I know it’s time, I know I can’t stay.

My conscience keeps begging me to not lay the guns down in front of jealousy, but in the end, we both know who wins.

I will call it quits and wave the white flag instead, so that there’s no scope left for the jealousy to be back in the game ever again.

It’s time to look beyond what’s done and look forward to better things coming my way. For I know now that moving on essentially means that I can’t stay.