I wish we could last..

I wish I could make things right between us. I wish I didn’t have to feel this restlessness, this void that your absence has created.

I wish you held my hands this one more time and apologise for punching me on the bicep.

I wish we could just get past this awkwardness at every step along the way.

I wish you could still wink at me in the middle of the shift for no apparent reason at all.

I wish we could giggle over more nonsense stuffs during the short tea breaks.

I wish I still had that right to sneak you out every year on my birthday.

I wish I wore those finger rings more often whenever I dressed up for office so that you would notice my bare fingers that are only a metaphor of a love that never was.

I wish I knew earlier how much better the coffee from the A-wing tasted, so that all the time I couldn’t spend with you wouldn’t have been wasted.

I wish I had listened to you when you wanted me to not leave early for home, but stay with you at least till 7 in the morning. If only I had listened to you, I wouldn’t be thinking about it this moment.

I wish we ordered a lot more of chocolate and cheese so that the bitter memories of this ugly phase we are in won’t haunt me even when I am asleep.

I wish we had more time to bitch about the colleagues we don’t like at office. Atleast I wouldn’t have felt this betrayed today after realising that the differences between us have grown so much that we now need a mediator for communication with each other.

I wish I had adored you for all the good that you are, more often than I did, so that I didn’t have to steal your glances knowing that you don’t care one bit to even look at me while talking.

I wish I could kill this awkwardness between us like you killed my inhibitions each time I doubted myself.

I wish I had switched from gtalk way earlier than I did, so that I wouldn’t end up missing a heart beat each time I see you online.

Why do I always miss you by a minute on WhatsApp? Why do I always miss you by those 60 seconds there? Does anyone know the value of that time? Sure as hell, no one can tell.

I know most of the things I say don’t make sense to you anyway, but what I still want you to know is that I lose a part of me each time you choose not to acknowledge my existence.

You told me you were in talking terms with not just me but many other girls. I don’t know whether you deliberately said those things or you just wanted me to hate you more but what I do know for sure is that right now – this moment is yours. As much as I want to, I could never really hate you despite all the hurt you caused.

I wish I could tell you what you meant to me, but by the time I felt the need of doing it, you were long gone.

I want you to know that my heart still skips it beats. Literally. Each time you pass that side smile on something stupid I said or did.

I want you to know that I haven’t had food from outside for a long time now coz I don’t have that person by my side with whom I used to have arguments over choices. There’s no fun in having a meal plain and simple, you know.

I want you to know the actual reason behind my reluctance to place the order at CCD. No, it was never about not reaching the minimum order amount but your denial to place the order that led to the cancellation.

How I wish you could see all of that.

I wish you could see how each action of yours affects my psyche and how each inaction of yours always comes with far reaching consequences for me.

I wish you could see the embarrassed look on my face when KV mentioned Apollo Hospitals in a clarification you had sought in that shift. I am sure the very term Apollo sure did remind you of something.

I want you to know that every time I try to calm the fuck down by taking the long drags of tobacco filled in a paper roll, all I end up with instead is the grey puffs of smoke that smell a lot like you and everything else I could never have.

I wish we talked longer about our heavenly embrace that night when you wanted to make sure that everything was alright between the two of us the next morning.

I wish I could keep us together for long so that I didn’t have to ask myself each day that where did I go so wrong?

I’m sorry, A****n.

For everything wrong I have ever done to us.

I miss us more and more with each passing day.

How I wish we could get past this ugly and awkward phase!

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Yes, your birthday is here but this time, there are no surprises in store for you..

Resharing this for the sake of the only thing I got today:

This cake that I cut (on your behalf) at the cusp of dawn.

Even though I did not get any response back after the birthday message that I sent you at 12 in the night, I am still a naive to believe that greater things happen under the first rays of the sun. Perhaps the only reason I chose the cusp of dawn.

I’m not sure whether the sweetness of this cake will supersede the bitterness you carry for me in your heart, but if at all this matters, then here I am once again, wishing you a very happy birthday, love.

https://kritidhingra.wordpress.com/2017/08/26/yes-your-birthday-is-around-the-corner-but-this-time-there-are-no-surprises-in-store-for-you/

Who told you that I miss you?

No. I do not miss you anymore coz I only miss the times when I had the time of my life..

I don’t miss you, but the innocent child in me who died an unnatural death following your dastardly act of separation..

I don’t miss you, but the hard to find happiness that has disappeared ever since it started playing hide and seek with me and only occasionally turns up to say peek-a-boo..

I don’t miss you, but the sunshine smiles that have forgotten their way back home after they got stuck in the dusk of life..

No. I don’t miss you, but the desire to look good and feel good that is somewhere lost ever since you turned your back…

I don’t miss you, but the happy go lucky soul that had 100 reasons to not give up on love..

I don’t miss you, but I do feel sorry for the love-deprived soul that is longing to quench its thirst ever since your heart turned cold..

I don’t miss you, but the Sense of security within me that has gone missing ever since your hand slipped away from mine..

I don’t miss you, but the feeling of warmth and comfort that now comes at a cost of handsome ransom..

No. I don’t miss you, but I do miss myself the most.

Am I turning into a Utopian? 

Maa, I have been wanting to tell you something.. something about this clingy emotion that I keep feeling..

I have just about everything in my life now.. a decent job, a boss who acknowledges my work.. an everloving family… A few friends who sometimes do understand my psyche.. some helpful colleagues and a standard way of living…

But even after all this I do not know why there is this hollowness inside of me.. a shallowness as if something is missing.. and that is the time when despite everything I ever had, I feel incomplete.

This strange sense of being alone even in the crowd just stays with me till the time tears start dripping from my eyes..

And then this loneliness persists till I go back in time to remind myself of the good moments I have had and the happiest memories I have saved for days like these..

I do not know why there are days when I hate watching couples engrossed in love.. and there are some when I crave for the same old love..

Ironical. Isn’t it? But that is what has been my point of concern.. is it normal to feel alone even when there are so many people around?

Is it okay to calm yourself down with the good memories of the past?

Is it sane to quieten your extreme thoughts every single time with that one ray of Hope which overpowers all the inhibitions and overshadows every point of suspicion ever just to make the reality appear like a myth!!!?

Mom, this one thought keeps me worrying, am I turning into a Utopian?

What do I do with this consecutive sadness that just won’t go away? I always try to keep myself busy but there are also days when I spend some time with my true self only to lose my sanity.

Am I wrong to confront my real self and to listen to what my heart really has to say? What should I do with these conflicting thoughts that just won’t go away!!!??

Yes, there are times when I truly hate this world and yet there have been moments where in I wished I had someone to just hear me off..

I cannot lie anymore. When i see two people so happy with each other, those are the times when I miss him more than ever..

Aaj fir Yun hi ro dene ko dil chaahta hai… 

Na jaanne kyun aaj fir yu hi rone ko dil chaahta hai… 

In aankhon ki gehraaiyon mein barso se kaid un ashkon ko aaj firse rihaa karne ko jee chaahta hai.. 

Chaah Kar bhi Na nikal saki un siskiyon ko aaj ek baar baahar kheech le aane ko jee chaahta hai.. 

Un khatti meeting yaadon ki tokri se aaj Kuch pal vapas churaane ko jee chaahta hai.. 

Is haath se chhoote us haath ko aaj fir se ek baar thaam Lene ko jee chaahta hai.. 

Bohot Kar Liya un mangadhan kahaaniyon se is naadaan dil ko tassalli dene ka kaarobaar.. aaj is dil ko sachaayi ke dard se rubaroo karaane ko jee chaahta hai.. 

Two years since you left…

And all this while, I had been hoping that sometime, when you would look back and pause for a while, may be you will realize that I am still here, where you left me..

But No. My myths are shattered now. And shattered are my dreams. I don’t know why, this one more time, i am reaching the threshold of my vulnerability. There is so much of pain buried within. So much of restlessness that it sometimes contains my very existence. So much of fickleness in these unwavering thoughts that it takes a toll on my own conscience…

So, here is an ode to the two long years that turned into a lifetime of regrets and an unending test of patience. Coz I am still a naive to be thinking about you and waiting for you to come home…

Two years since I last saw myself smiling at life..

Two years since I last embraced the happiness with arms wide open..

Two years since your hand slipped away from my hands never to hold it back again..

Two years of swelled up eyes, of sleep less nights, of unspoken words, of unheard cries..

Two years since I last dressed up, put kohl on my eyes and got ready for myself..

Two years since the perpetual sadness arising out of the broken promises clinged to my devastated soul, never to let go..

Two years since my pessimism got defeated in a handsome showdown between my heart and my mind..

Two years of these tired eyes relentlessly searching for you in the crowds.. And for this, the dark circles underneath will surely vouch..

Two years of unanswered prayers seeking a better tomorrow.. Two years of spinning the tale of faith and trust, stirring a patient soul..

Two years of trying to defeat the reality with belief.. Two years of trying to forget all that shall never be forgotten..

Two years since I have been telling my diminishing inner strength to hold on till it gets what it wants..

Two years since I woke up each day with the fear of an unseen tomorrow..
Two years of trying to bring back the lost balance between happiness and sorrow.

Two years since i last reassured myself that hope was still my favourite word in all the dictionaries available under the sun..

Two years of being a hopeless romantic at heart..Two years of hallucinations guiding me back to where I belong..

Two years of feeding my soul with the make-believe notions of the everlasting beauty of an ethereal love..

Two years since I last felt the warmth of your touch.. Two years since I last told you that I love you so much..

I am not wearing my spectacles today…

 

specs

And, I am not wearing my spectacles today..

Coz I want to be at peace again..

I want to be at peace with the fact that you may be gone physically, but in my memories, you are here, right here with me..

I am not wearing my spectacles today and yet am able to see a clearer picture of our brightest days..

Days when you only used to remove these pair of glasses from my face anticipating tension on my mind..

The way you used to move your hand above  my eyes so that they were shut enough so as to avoid anything that could bother my psyche..

Yes, you heard me right.
I am not wearing my spectacles today, even as i type this out..

Coz today i don’t have to worry about the good and the bad, the right or the wrong..

Simply because it doesn’t matter now..  I have risen above these and am now thinking beyond..

What matters is that i still am able to see everything crystal clear without my specs on..

If this isn’t the magic of your concealed presence then You tell me, what is it?

I don’t know why is it that rains always bring you closer to me.. And as i drive ahead in this uncertainty of our peaceful co-existence, i don’t even have to wipe clean, this foggy windscreen smothered with the layers of the black smoke coming out of our crushed dreams. You know why? Coz i can still see, what i need to see- your face glowing with ecstasy.

This sight doesn’t need a pair of glasses as my poor eyes does, for this sight is a sight of this naive mind and this forsaken heart still filled with love.. For this sight still lets me see the emotions that you hide behind the masquerade of your virtual life..  For this sight is a god’s gift, a blessing in disguise..

And as i close my eyes now, i still can feel your concern over me getting concerned because of these worldly ties..
But i am not worrying anymore, coz today i still feel like diving in the pool of our bittersweet memories wherein you used to remove my spectacles for the fear of me getting worried and subsequently turning violent..

Yes, you did not want me to put my specs on.. And i am doing just the same.. I am not wearing my specs today. For the lesser i will see, the lesser i will interpret and the lesser i will feel..

Yes, i know that you are gone, but you are here- right here with me..