I wish I could make things right between us. I wish I didn’t have to feel this restlessness, this void that your absence has created.
I wish you held my hands this one more time and apologise for punching me on the bicep.
I wish we could just get past this awkwardness at every step along the way.
I wish you could still wink at me in the middle of the shift for no apparent reason at all.
I wish we could giggle over more nonsense stuffs during the short tea breaks.
I wish I still had that right to sneak you out every year on my birthday.
I wish I wore those finger rings more often whenever I dressed up for office so that you would notice my bare fingers that are only a metaphor of a love that never was.
I wish I knew earlier how much better the coffee from the A-wing tasted, so that all the time I couldn’t spend with you wouldn’t have been wasted.
I wish I had listened to you when you wanted me to not leave early for home, but stay with you at least till 7 in the morning. If only I had listened to you, I wouldn’t be thinking about it this moment.
I wish we ordered a lot more of chocolate and cheese so that the bitter memories of this ugly phase we are in won’t haunt me even when I am asleep.
I wish we had more time to bitch about the colleagues we don’t like at office. Atleast I wouldn’t have felt this betrayed today after realising that the differences between us have grown so much that we now need a mediator for communication with each other.
I wish I had adored you for all the good that you are, more often than I did, so that I didn’t have to steal your glances knowing that you don’t care one bit to even look at me while talking.
I wish I could kill this awkwardness between us like you killed my inhibitions each time I doubted myself.
I wish I had switched from gtalk way earlier than I did, so that I wouldn’t end up missing a heart beat each time I see you online.
Why do I always miss you by a minute on WhatsApp? Why do I always miss you by those 60 seconds there? Does anyone know the value of that time? Sure as hell, no one can tell.
I know most of the things I say don’t make sense to you anyway, but what I still want you to know is that I lose a part of me each time you choose not to acknowledge my existence.
You told me you were in talking terms with not just me but many other girls. I don’t know whether you deliberately said those things or you just wanted me to hate you more but what I do know for sure is that right now – this moment is yours. As much as I want to, I could never really hate you despite all the hurt you caused.
I wish I could tell you what you meant to me, but by the time I felt the need of doing it, you were long gone.
I want you to know that my heart still skips it beats. Literally. Each time you pass that side smile on something stupid I said or did.
I want you to know that I haven’t had food from outside for a long time now coz I don’t have that person by my side with whom I used to have arguments over choices. There’s no fun in having a meal plain and simple, you know.
I want you to know the actual reason behind my reluctance to place the order at CCD. No, it was never about not reaching the minimum order amount but your denial to place the order that led to the cancellation.
How I wish you could see all of that.
I wish you could see how each action of yours affects my psyche and how each inaction of yours always comes with far reaching consequences for me.
I wish you could see the embarrassed look on my face when KV mentioned Apollo Hospitals in a clarification you had sought in that shift. I am sure the very term Apollo sure did remind you of something.
I want you to know that every time I try to calm the fuck down by taking the long drags of tobacco filled in a paper roll, all I end up with instead is the grey puffs of smoke that smell a lot like you and everything else I could never have.
I wish we talked longer about our heavenly embrace that night when you wanted to make sure that everything was alright between the two of us the next morning.
I wish I could keep us together for long so that I didn’t have to ask myself each day that where did I go so wrong?
I’m sorry, A****n.
For everything wrong I have ever done to us.
I miss us more and more with each passing day.
How I wish we could get past this ugly and awkward phase!