4 years since you left…

Fragment 1:

It’s funny how even after so many years, the sound of those anklets you brought me for Valentine’s day still rings in my ears.

It’s funny how the very memory of you returning from Gujarat that year is the only thing I have now. Not the fights that preceded your trip to Gandhinagar. Not the love you showered me with after you came back from your moot Court competition. Just the memory of you being away from me for those 4 days. Yes, you are long gone and may be this is all I can relate to, now.

The only period when we were together and you weren’t around.

Fragment 2:

They are haunting me again. These Memories of the times when we carefully crafted a list of all the songs I wanted to be played during our pre-wedding shoot. But then that was before you walked out on me 4 years ago, leaving behind a trail of broken records and melodies that now sound more like horror songs.

For some inexplicable reason, Din shagna da no longer leaves goosebumps on my skin and nights in white satin no longer makes me cringe. And no, the heart of life is NOT good.

Fragment 3:

We are moving from one chapter to the other and to another, just like that.

All these years, all these months have been all about incredible experiences and life altering lessons.

Instead of romanticising it all, can I just simply say that you are the reason I still exist!

I wish we could last..

I wish I could make things right between us. I wish I didn’t have to feel this restlessness, this void that your absence has created.

I wish you held my hands this one more time and apologise for punching me on the bicep.

I wish we could just get past this awkwardness at every step along the way.

I wish you could still wink at me in the middle of the shift for no apparent reason at all.

I wish we could giggle over more nonsense stuffs during the short tea breaks.

I wish I still had that right to sneak you out every year on my birthday.

I wish I wore those finger rings more often whenever I dressed up for office so that you would notice my bare fingers that are only a metaphor of a love that never was.

I wish I knew earlier how much better the coffee from the A-wing tasted, so that all the time I couldn’t spend with you wouldn’t have been wasted.

I wish I had listened to you when you wanted me to not leave early for home, but stay with you at least till 7 in the morning. If only I had listened to you, I wouldn’t be thinking about it this moment.

I wish we ordered a lot more of chocolate and cheese so that the bitter memories of this ugly phase we are in won’t haunt me even when I am asleep.

I wish we had more time to bitch about the colleagues we don’t like at office. Atleast I wouldn’t have felt this betrayed today after realising that the differences between us have grown so much that we now need a mediator for communication with each other.

I wish I had adored you for all the good that you are, more often than I did, so that I didn’t have to steal your glances knowing that you don’t care one bit to even look at me while talking.

I wish I could kill this awkwardness between us like you killed my inhibitions each time I doubted myself.

I wish I had switched from gtalk way earlier than I did, so that I wouldn’t end up missing a heart beat each time I see you online.

Why do I always miss you by a minute on WhatsApp? Why do I always miss you by those 60 seconds there? Does anyone know the value of that time? Sure as hell, no one can tell.

I know most of the things I say don’t make sense to you anyway, but what I still want you to know is that I lose a part of me each time you choose not to acknowledge my existence.

You told me you were in talking terms with not just me but many other girls. I don’t know whether you deliberately said those things or you just wanted me to hate you more but what I do know for sure is that right now – this moment is yours. As much as I want to, I could never really hate you despite all the hurt you caused.

I wish I could tell you what you meant to me, but by the time I felt the need of doing it, you were long gone.

I want you to know that my heart still skips it beats. Literally. Each time you pass that side smile on something stupid I said or did.

I want you to know that I haven’t had food from outside for a long time now coz I don’t have that person by my side with whom I used to have arguments over choices. There’s no fun in having a meal plain and simple, you know.

I want you to know the actual reason behind my reluctance to place the order at CCD. No, it was never about not reaching the minimum order amount but your denial to place the order that led to the cancellation.

How I wish you could see all of that.

I wish you could see how each action of yours affects my psyche and how each inaction of yours always comes with far reaching consequences for me.

I wish you could see the embarrassed look on my face when KV mentioned Apollo Hospitals in a clarification you had sought in that shift. I am sure the very term Apollo sure did remind you of something.

I want you to know that every time I try to calm the fuck down by taking the long drags of tobacco filled in a paper roll, all I end up with instead is the grey puffs of smoke that smell a lot like you and everything else I could never have.

I wish we talked longer about our heavenly embrace that night when you wanted to make sure that everything was alright between the two of us the next morning.

I wish I could keep us together for long so that I didn’t have to ask myself each day that where did I go so wrong?

I’m sorry, A****n.

For everything wrong I have ever done to us.

I miss us more and more with each passing day.

How I wish we could get past this ugly and awkward phase!

Yes, your birthday is here but this time, there are no surprises in store for you..

Resharing this for the sake of the only thing I got today:

This cake that I cut (on your behalf) at the cusp of dawn.

Even though I did not get any response back after the birthday message that I sent you at 12 in the night, I am still a naive to believe that greater things happen under the first rays of the sun. Perhaps the only reason I chose the cusp of dawn.

I’m not sure whether the sweetness of this cake will supersede the bitterness you carry for me in your heart, but if at all this matters, then here I am once again, wishing you a very happy birthday, love.


Who told you that I miss you?

No. I do not miss you anymore coz I only miss the times when I had the time of my life..

I don’t miss you, but the innocent child in me who died an unnatural death following your dastardly act of separation..

I don’t miss you, but the hard to find happiness that has disappeared ever since it started playing hide and seek with me and only occasionally turns up to say peek-a-boo..

I don’t miss you, but the sunshine smiles that have forgotten their way back home after they got stuck in the dusk of life..

No. I don’t miss you, but the desire to look good and feel good that is somewhere lost ever since you turned your back…

I don’t miss you, but the happy go lucky soul that had 100 reasons to not give up on love..

I don’t miss you, but I do feel sorry for the love-deprived soul that is longing to quench its thirst ever since your heart turned cold..

I don’t miss you, but the Sense of security within me that has gone missing ever since your hand slipped away from mine..

I don’t miss you, but the feeling of warmth and comfort that now comes at a cost of handsome ransom..

No. I don’t miss you, but I do miss myself the most.

Am I turning into a Utopian? 

Maa, I have been wanting to tell you something.. something about this clingy emotion that I keep feeling..

I have just about everything in my life now.. a decent job, a boss who acknowledges my work.. an everloving family… A few friends who sometimes do understand my psyche.. some helpful colleagues and a standard way of living…

But even after all this I do not know why there is this hollowness inside of me.. a shallowness as if something is missing.. and that is the time when despite everything I ever had, I feel incomplete.

This strange sense of being alone even in the crowd just stays with me till the time tears start dripping from my eyes..

And then this loneliness persists till I go back in time to remind myself of the good moments I have had and the happiest memories I have saved for days like these..

I do not know why there are days when I hate watching couples engrossed in love.. and there are some when I crave for the same old love..

Ironical. Isn’t it? But that is what has been my point of concern.. is it normal to feel alone even when there are so many people around?

Is it okay to calm yourself down with the good memories of the past?

Is it sane to quieten your extreme thoughts every single time with that one ray of Hope which overpowers all the inhibitions and overshadows every point of suspicion ever just to make the reality appear like a myth!!!?

Mom, this one thought keeps me worrying, am I turning into a Utopian?

What do I do with this consecutive sadness that just won’t go away? I always try to keep myself busy but there are also days when I spend some time with my true self only to lose my sanity.

Am I wrong to confront my real self and to listen to what my heart really has to say? What should I do with these conflicting thoughts that just won’t go away!!!??

Yes, there are times when I truly hate this world and yet there have been moments where in I wished I had someone to just hear me off..

I cannot lie anymore. When i see two people so happy with each other, those are the times when I miss him more than ever..

Aaj fir Yun hi ro dene ko dil chaahta hai… 

Na jaanne kyun aaj fir yu hi rone ko dil chaahta hai… 

In aankhon ki gehraaiyon mein barso se kaid un ashkon ko aaj firse rihaa karne ko jee chaahta hai.. 

Chaah Kar bhi Na nikal saki un siskiyon ko aaj ek baar baahar kheech le aane ko jee chaahta hai.. 

Un khatti meeting yaadon ki tokri se aaj Kuch pal vapas churaane ko jee chaahta hai.. 

Is haath se chhoote us haath ko aaj fir se ek baar thaam Lene ko jee chaahta hai.. 

Bohot Kar Liya un mangadhan kahaaniyon se is naadaan dil ko tassalli dene ka kaarobaar.. aaj is dil ko sachaayi ke dard se rubaroo karaane ko jee chaahta hai..