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Memoirs of a lost love…

FROM THE DIARY OF A DECEASED..

She had a shining future waiting for her at the doorstep..

But she still felt shallow, coz he never realized her significance..

A life distorted..

Since, she just couldn’t sort it..

What mattered the most to her, was nowhere to be found in his priority list..

A few moments before she was taking her last breath..

She told him how much she loved him..

Still wondering! Only if he knew that he had snatched away all her reasons for living..

There was no pain and no grief to be seen on their faces..

But, just a numbness in senses that pervaded all their phases..

He claimed to be too bored, listening to her for over the years,

that he couldn’t resist shouting on top of his lungs..

She was too dumbstruck to figure out what went so fucking wrong on her part..

The last thing he did was to throw her out of his life, like a mere piece of trash..

Little did he knew the deeper implications of his self-centered acts..

The next best thing he unmistakably invited for himself,

Was a lifetime of regrets waiting for him ahead..

So many broken dreams were lying there on the floor, a million of shattered hopes, that still echoed..

The only thing she longed for, all this while was to get a time machine..

So that she could go back and edit the phase when she lost him..

But alas, she was no Cinderella or snow-white to witness a miracle in her life..

She was just a common girl, who, on her departure, had learnt the bitter truth of real life..

That unlike a fairytale, not all stories have a happy ending and love alone doesn’t suffice, when it comes to real life merry-making.

She could only thank him for showing her the world for real..

For letting her overcome her fears..

And for breaking all her myths that had been long protecting her…

Who would have ever thought that, they, who were once considered an epitome of everlasting togetherness,

would one day end up stabbing each others back and cursing one another to the worst form of death..!!

A soul in the unknown…

Here, when everyone else was busy with their own celebration strokes, there was this devastated Soul, trying to collect the crooked pieces of her shattered hopes..

When the whole city gets to sleep, that is when this lonely creature weeps..

Weeps until she makes heavens cry with her..

Weeps until the morning sun highlights her invisible bruises and scars..

Yes, this masquerade is her way of life now!

Probably coz she doesn’t want to show the world, what she feels deep within;

what all led to her turning this way out..

So far, far away in the unknown,

If she had the audacity to hope,

There might be someone who would know..

How to bring back her gleaming smiles and lost hopes!

May be, this part of her life was about Rediscovering oneself..

May be this was a wake up call for her,

to get better acquainted with the concept of “impermanence”..

But, She constantly found herself caught up between the struggles of the very process..

Where on one hand, She was trying to learn,

how to be content with what she had and live a life without regrets..

The other part of her spirit drenched with disappointments,

would escalate its magnetic field,

leaving her under the impression, that probably,

she just had no right to stay happy!

She barely had any friends, who could share her troubles and sorrows..

After some time, even the ceiling fan of her dainty room ceased to answer her, back.

What an irony associated with living alone!

You can undoubtedly get to know your true self; but in the end,

staring at the walls is the only job you have..

She loved spending time on her own, but,

getting outcasted from the whole world around her,

was something she could have never even dreamt of..

But this was happening, and she couldnt help it.. A part of, the god’s plan, for deciding her destiny..

She kept on thinking what went so wrong on her part?

Why was she left all alone, in the dark?

Why couldnt she be happy, like all those glowing faces around her?

Was her pessimism, withdrawing back her prospects of gelling up with people,

and disconnecting her from the entire throng?

May be, yes.

May be, her psychological unrest, was detrimental to that.

But, how could she rectify that?

Who was there to listen to her predicament? Her vanity never allowed her, to ask anyone for some level of pity..

And before her heavy head and swelled eyes made her doze off, subconsciously,

she could only pray to god, to bless her long lost friends and her only love,

with the power of listening beyond words..

So that, someday, they could understand that she never, intentionally grew distant..

In fact, she was fighting within herself, a battle against chronic pessimism responsible for her psychological imbalance.

DISCLAIMER: © KRITI DHINGRA and SLICE OF LIFE, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to KRITI DHINGRA and SLICE OF LIFE 2015 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Death and beyond… (farewell, dear friend) !!!

It's strange that how, certain times a few of the 
life instances move us so much from within that we 
can't help but feel ourselves as a part of those very happenings.. 
You were just a class fellow, or a friend, or may 
be someone whose presence was substantially felt in 
the older childhood days.. When every little teasing 
made some sense to us, When every little fight 
somehow affected our fake reputations..  
Walking on the sands of time, Flashes from the past 
replay, as my conscious takes a trip down the memory lane..  
Such were the days, full of insanity and absurdity, 
and a twist full turn this life has taken so early, 
that you had to leave our company at this tender age..  
Not much contact was maintained in all these years 
after the final school break, still there was a sense 
of connectedness between all of us, which we could 
easily associate..  
Realizing it now, leaves us more vulnerable to fall 
prey of those memories that lie there to haunt us in 
the times to come. The impact of the moment when out 
of the blues, this sad news had come..  
They say, you only cherish someone's presence when 
they are not around. Rightfully so, Since whenever 
we 'll think of you, you will be remembered for 
spreading bunch full of laughter all around..
With deep grief in heart and a diligent prayer on 
lips, We all want to tell you, that no matter what, 
you will be really missed..  
We wish that, all of them who are affected by your 
tragic demise, get power to heal and the strength to 
endure this relentless pain. 
May your soul always rest in peace.  
We all thank you for being a part of our lives 
and leaving us with wide smiles at some or the 
other point of time. Needless to take your name, 
since you were one of your kind and shall remain the same.. 

                                                                                          Time – 8:30 p.m.

                                                                                        1st November,2014.

“It is only when you go through turmoil that you get to know the true essence of life.”

I always thought that establishing yourself at some level and being able to be self-sustainable would suffice in the long run, but, no, I was wrong. Life’s greatest challenges and its mysterious experiences lie far beyond just buying a sedan or trying to woo your loved ones.

Never thought that a mere classmate’s unexpected demise would become an impactful tragedy in itself.

I go to temple on a daily basis, but never really learned the true meaning of prayer and the purpose of my life. No doubt I still have those dreams and aspirations that will remain there on account of me, being a mortal soul. But, witnessing someone you have known for years, in inexplicable pain and tears, watching them leave the world and not being able to reverse the gear, is indeed. One tragic nightmare!

What makes it worse is the sight of such an incident, its memories that last for a lifetime, its deeper impacts giving you insights into the greater truths, by which you have to abide; some serious lessons to be learnt, i.e. the true essence of this mortal life.

Who would have thought that such a brilliant student excelling in almost every sphere of his life, the one who always knew how to make others smile, would be actually dying from inside!

It’s all a masquerade. A maze, in which we all get trapped, but, only a few get to evade.

We all talk of philosophy. We all have read scriptures at some or the other point of time, but, hardly any of us could relate to the in-depth meaning of the treasures they hide inside.

Not until today, could I have imagined that,, what if, I was in his place?

Will everyone’s reaction be just the same?

Would people still be finding excuses to post another status update?

Will people then, actually mean, what they say?

Will my long-lost friends too, gather once again and give fire to my remains and let it cremate?

Will my parent’s life will ever be the same again?

I couldn’t really get a definite answer to any of these questions except for the last one I had asked myself. God never promised us anything so certain, except for one divine blessing he gave us, whom we know as our parents.

Sometimes, I get similar thoughts too! When circumstances are unfair and the prolonged adversities lead to consecutive despair, When everything is blue and the situational pressures become unbearable, I think of giving up, on this only life, altogether.

Why?

Coz I have a fickle mind and a fragile heart, which, I believe, is no longer mine. It’s with a person, who pulled me out of the dungeons in time. And helped me, in every possible way, putting his most prized possessions at stake, to make me reach this level in life, wherein, the least I can do, is to write.

Write! For there is still so much for us to explore within our souls,

Write! Coz there is a secret side of every human, which hardly anyone shows.

It was a day after our friend passed away, when I called him.

We all had studied in the same school before graduating. Listening to him, I was petrified. He sounded highly irritated and upset with what had happened, since it must have indeed been such a terrible sight.

And, the lesson I learnt that day was that, death is the only truth that pervades. It’s a person’s death alone, which carries within, the potentialities of bringing unbelievable and irrevocable changes in the lives of others, who were, in the strongest of ties, associated with that (deceased) person.

I never thought that he would end up being so vulnerable at the dismal sight he must have witnessed. I have known him for years and he always emerged out as a practical person, in every damned situation. But, this time around, such a facet of him wasn’t there. I could not ask him more, while on call, since I knew that the person who bragged and claimed that he was not someone who would get emotionally attached with any individual, was crying silent tears. He could not reveal that he was devastatingly hurt. All he could end up with instead, was, shouting at me, on top of his lungs.

I still wonder, whether that actually helped him vent out his frustration or ease the pain he was feeling deep within? Well, that’s still a question of thought. Many a times, in a fit of anger, we do such acts, the consequences of which are unknown, even to our inner selves.

I was hurt too. I would say, more frightened, than hurt. I was sitting in my room, 166 kilometers far, whilst so much had happened, back in my hometown. Somewhere, in the corners of my mind palace, I could figure out and understand what he must have been going through. I was dumbstruck for a moment, following which, another set of questions struck my head.

Since childhood, I have been listening this from my mom and dad, that, “whatever happens, happens for our own good” and “nothing in this world can ever take place without god’s consent.” They also used to tell me that, if a person commits suicide, then there cannot be anything worse than that. Since, for that deceased, there is no life after death!

These were hitting my brain one after another as I tried to set up some sort of sensible yet relative nexus between these self-contradictory statements.

This traditional ancient framework of Hindu mythology, which speaks of life after death, has been well narrated in one of the related book of scriptures, popularly known as a “puraan.” It enumerates various stages, a soul undergoes, in the process of its purification within the span of one year. Well, this makes sense, if one actually relates to that.

But what I could not relate to, and understand was that, if we were all, the children of god and if even a leaf cannot move from its inertia of rest, when he doesn’t want, then, why is there such an outcry? A dilemma, as to the concept of afterlife, when one commits suicide? If nothing in this world can take place without god’s consent and life and death being no exceptions, then why is a suicide attempt considered an evil; an act that is done against god’s will?

I am still in search of the answers though, but deep in my heart i know by now, that suicide is never an answer to anything. Everyone forgets with time, the cost you paid to put an end to it. Come judgement, an act of courage or the one to be attributed to a weak human being? cant say. since i personally feel that no one can ever get real insights into any individual’s personal life (the extent of his sufferings and hardships in context of his endurance capacity) and hence, we are no one to judge his act as being wrong or right, anyway, at any point of time. But, what i am sure of, by now, is that, Death is the biggest truth of life, the one that pervades all; it is the only game-changer of its kind.

DISCLAIMER: © KRITI DHINGRA and SLICE OF LIFE, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to KRITI DHINGRA and SLICE OF LIFE 2015 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Things you left behind…

Look! What I just found today!

All those stuffs that I had been hiding for months, the things I had been distancing myself from..

This old diary of mine, each page of which, narrates a different story of our times..

Its been so long since I last touched it, and today, as I opened it, it ported me to a dreamland that once existed..

No, I am no more talking about it.

I had taken a resolution to abstain from your belongings,

But wait, a part of my heart, I guess, is still fragile,

And I fail to understand, why?

All this while, I have been shielding myself from all the miseries that came along as inevitable side-effects..

But I am just a human, who cannot expect to have control over all the circumstances!

And, this, I suppose was one such instance!

As I was turning the pages going through my old pieces of writing,

I came across the priceless treasures of your childhood pictures, slipping down to my hands..

I took a glance, and then kept it back.

Somewhere in the corners of my mind, I just wanted to be rest assured that I had resisted falling for it.

May be, I thought that lying to myself was in someway, going to help me by protecting me from imagining several possibilities!

The red heart cushion you gifted me, (telling me to hug that, whenever I feel lonely) still cannot fill the void I feel deep within..

And, that cotton roll you gave me, is still packed as it is,

Since I am getting used to loud noises, not just from outside, but from deep within..

Seeing the exhibit one today, relishing its scent all over again,

I couldn’t help tears rolling down my cheeks..

Coz the mere thought of reading P.s. I love you,

left strong tremors on my whole being..

Could not gather the courage to reopen all those letters you dropped,

Probably because I was too afraid to fall prey of the miraculous power of written words..

But you don’t have to worry,

All those gifts and presents are safe, and right here, with me..

I might never be able to dump those,

Coz they will remain close to me, forever, as your sweet Mementoes..

And nobody will ever get to know about our secret stories,

This, I promise, for at least, as long as I live..!!

DISCLAIMER: © KRITI DHINGRA and SLICE OF LIFE, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to KRITI DHINGRA and SLICE OF LIFE 2015 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

An Ode To Waiting…

And, its one month since we last met ! I am not even sure as to what hurts bad..

Having to believe that we are not together anymore, or still believing in the name of god, that for every being, there is always some hope..

30 days now, since I last saw those cutesy dimples on your freezing cheeks.. Seems like its been ages since I caught you secretly gazing at me.

And when all these nights are catching up to me, When even these surroundings start to sing the song of melancholy, That is when I am left restlessly wondering, how have you been, Pondering over, what you must be doing!

How colorful or hectic your life must have been and whether you even get time to stop by and think !

Think! For once, that I am still there where you left me.. Still longing for you to forgive me..

Babe, life at this end too, has never been easy. But, I am getting by.. Trying to be fine.. Until the cold nostalgia hits me right in the brain and I start to lose all my sense..

Luckily you got some friends for life, Who can make u overcome the catastrophes of nightmares, who can help you squeeze in smiles and cheer up !

Last year it was, that has been the most terrible of all.. But, as its said and done, let bygones be bygones..

In my conflicting thoughts, a part of my Mind always questions, Will I ever be able to make you understand that what it is like to be a living corpse!

How do I tell you that I miss you frowning fast-steadily at the things so lame.. Would you be kind enough to recall and appreciate the beautiful memories we shared..?

I miss your charming smiles that were a soothing delight to my sore eyes.. I miss you holding my hand in yours, when I acted like a two year old while crossing the road..

I miss the feeling of laying on your chest, the warmth of which used to make me forget the whole world instead.. I miss Your comforting shoulders on which I could always rest and share the stupidest of things I could have ever done or said..

What I miss the most was the time when I was so full of life, knowing that there was someone who, no matter what, would be there for me, even when I am left behind in this walk of life..

Miss the moments when i was So much carefree, knowing that I had at least one person who would never judge me!

Wont be able to roll the words anymore.. But before I wind up, just want to let u know..

That I am still there, where you left me..

Still waiting that, someday, you will probably notice..

Still believing that there is some hope for every being..

Still longing for you to forgive me..

Still praying for you to be with me..

if not now, then somewhere ahead, till eternity!

DISCLAIMER: © KRITI DHINGRA and SLICE OF LIFE, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to KRITI DHINGRA and SLICE OF LIFE 2015 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.